BEAUTY SHOP TALK
BY
Vicki Charmaine Bunch
Every family should have special holiday rituals that are performed year after year, come hell or high water. In the Bunch family, we take pride in continuing traditions they brought across the county line in the 60's.
Today's ultra-mod world with its laser beams, etc. may seem a strange place to observe an Olde Fashioned Pilgrim Hoedown but, believe-you-me, you owe it to your kids, who are probably screwed up from too much surfing the net.
First, a few asides. A certain relative, who will remain nameless, has suddenly declared herself a Jehovah's Witness and I know why. It's her year to have Thanksgiving dinner at her house and, as you know, J.W.'s don't do holidays.
In a way, I don't blame her for dodging the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune except now it means I'm stuck with it. Stuck with the Herculean task of trying to shovel enough mashed potatoes and Cool Whip to fill the bottomless pits who are the Bunch males, all of whom weigh in at over 230.
For three years I have successfully kept all blood relations (not counting Sonny and the girls) from seeing the Casbah decorating scheme I copied out of
House Digest. Now I'll have to undecorate--hide the hookah and harem girl fountain. My friend Carlotta who dropped out of school and ran off to Hollywood gets to have Thanksgiving with movie stars who appreciate fine interior decorating, unlike some people.
I couldn't stand to hear the kinfolks ridicule my "exotic destination," as the magazine called it. They've insulted me enough over the years about my different colored wigs, my bathing suit, and Sonny's turkey allergy.
Anyway, what am I supposed to cook? Should I be a traitor to my husband by fixing the thing that could kill him with one bite?
I've been so nervous, I had to run down to the county line and buy a six pack. While I was waiting to pay, I picked up a magazine about meditating to reduce stress and lose weight. On the cover was a Thanksgiving table with the turkey made to look like a football.
Suddenly it hit me! I'm creative--I can create a new Bunch family tradition.
Using native stuff is what Martha Stewart swears by. What has Cobb County got more of than ticks on a possum? Feral hogs! Gigantic terrifying pigs on a rampage that run off cattle and devour any human unlucky enough to cross their path.
I'm going whole hog with a honey-glazed porker. Here's the solution to your personal holiday hell, complete with stress reducing techniques and decorating tips. It's better than jumping in the creek and tastes good too!
Vicki Charmaine's Honey-Hog Hoedown Holiday
Recipes, Relaxation Techniques, Fitness Ideas, and Decorating Tips
Prepare Ahead:
1. Kill hog by whatever means necessary
2. Butcher hog--breathe deeply, mindful that life is maya, or illusion
3. Give husband a jar of honey and a toothbrush and tell him to smoke the hog
Thanksgiving Day
1. Get up at 5:00 am and paint toenails while watching Farm Report. Maybe a blizzard is on the way and this whole deal needs to be called off
2. Take a handful of Stresstabs
3. Go outside and gather weeds and dried leaves for Martha Stewart table arrangement
4. Remove dining chairs, bring in hay bales
Bend knees and lift with your legs, not your back!
5. Begin alternating red wine and Stresstabs
6. Enlist children to compose hog haiku
7. Mash potatoes, squeezing buttocks
8. Open ten pound can of green beans
9. Put dried weeds, hog, ketchup and a loaf of white bread on table
10. Light candles
VOILA!
Don't be a Thanksgiving martyr like Aunt Lottie who hung on till the last minute, hoping we'd change our minds and go to the cafeteria. When Cousin Maevis showed up at the door with a tray of stuffed celery, Lottie realized there was no way out.
We missed the Texas vs. A&M game that year, as well as the big After Thanksgiving Christmas sales. It was a real bad holiday all the way around.