BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

One minute a man's in a sort of catatonic stupor, watching the game. The next minute he's got you in a scissor hold.

Modern science has at last discovered the root of male moodiness. Masquerading as its fancier twin--multiple personality disorder--the testosterone surge, which baffled researchers for centuries, may be the Twinkie defense of the 90's.

Recently my husband Sonny threw a bowl of low-fat chilli at me when I got between him and the TV during the Cowboy playoff game.

"Don't take it personal," my doctor said as she bandaged me up. She pulled out a book, The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D.

I was stunned. The book explained everything, all the way back to when Grandpa stomped my Led Zeppelin II album in 1969. It also explained the mysteries of Sonny's strange idea of love--like him running over the mailman and the night he set the bed on fire.

My poor husband was under the influence of a power greater than me and him put together.

According to Dr. Crenshaw, testosterone peaks in the male every fifteen to twenty minutes. "Consider what this roller coaster does to a man's mood--and thus his behavior. . . . No wonder they can be so, well, testy!"

At least, with women, it's just once a month and you can take appropriate precautions--like hiding the guns and disconnecting the microwave. But in men a testosterone frenzy occurs a hundred times a day. Think of it--every man on earth--every fifteen minutes! For the rest of us, it's duck and cover.

Under the influence of his special hormone, a man will break his favorite toy and lie on the floor kicking and screaming till he busts a vein. This is known as a testosterone tantrum.

If your man's not the physical type, he may just gripe about the lint on the sofa. But it still hurts. Ask any woman.

What's a gal to do? One minute some guy's offering you a swig of his beer, the next minute he's holding a firecracker to your head. Girls, they just can't help it.

Hormones rule. Just like germs, that other biological weapon. Remember Edgar Allan Poe, maligned for over a hundred years as a crazy druggie? Now we know the poor boy just had a bad case of the rabies. (We can only guess how tame and unpublishable his stories would have been were it not for the disease which ravaged his brain.)

So there's an up side to things such as rabies and yes--even testosterone. Consider the benefits the male hormone confers. Consider the space needle, the Washington Monument, the corny dog.

Testosterone does other stuff too. Everybody knows the evolutionary advantage of masculine aggression. Would you rather watch boxers beating each others' brains out or two nerds playing chess?

The guys with the most hormones have it made. Testosterone rules. Imagine the Cowboys without gold chains and fur coats. Imagine a world without phallic shooting devices of any kind. Imagine living in a country where the worst criminal mastermind is a woman with an overdrawn bank account.

Like it or not, testosterone--that Jekyl and Hyde elixir--is here to stay. So batten down the hatches and get the bean dip ready for Guys With Hormones XXXI. (Even though, it's like, who cares?)

And no matter what happens, remember--they just can't help it.