BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Like thousands of other Americans, I have applied to be a contestant on the new CBS show "Survivor!" which will air next summer. A combination of "Gilligan's Island," "Real World," and "Hands on a Hard Body," the reality-based series will follow the struggles of sixteen competitors vying to be the sole survivor on a desert island off the coast of Borneo. Instead of a truck, the winner gets $1,000,000.

Survival of the fittest appeals to me, plus I could use a long vacation. Seven weeks to be exact. That's how long the winner will spend on the island as contestants get eliminated one-by-one by fellow castaways. Will there be violence? Not unless things go terribly wrong--like in "Lord of the Flies." They get voted out by secret ballot which will disappoint a lot of viewers. When only two remain, the seven most recently rejected form a Tribal Council to determine the sole Survivor/Millionaire. The eliminated get "a small consolation prize," according to the CBS.com "Survivor!" website.

Produced by Mark Burnett, the creator/producer of the "Eco-Challenge" in which laughably earnest competitors rapel down cliffs and paddle over rapids, "Survivor!" will give preference to contestants who are "strong-willed, outgoing, adventurous, physically and mentally adept, adaptable to new environments, and interesting backgrounds and personalities." How boring! Producers will pick contestants from New York City, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, LA, San Francisco, Denver, Salt Lake City, Chicago, Detroit, Minneapolis, Green Bay, Miami, Dallas, and Austin. CBS conducted castaway searches at shopping malls with cameramen on hand to film the 3 minute video which must accompany each application.

It would be so much more interesting to pick contestants at random, sight unseen, and end up with the sort of characters on "Let's Make a Deal." But the Malaysian Island of Pulan Tiga is not for everybody. There are deadly sea-snakes, pythons and wild pigs, just drooling for juicy Americans. Those who are selected will have to build shelter and find their own food. They aren't allowed to contact with their families and will have no contact with the outside world other than the camera crews who will film them up to 24 hours a day. I'm not sure if there will be indoor bathrooms.

The daunting application form asks you to list your allergies and serious mental illnesses. You must tell the names of your pets, your favorite TV show, and your favorite dinner party conversation topic. You have to describe your body piercings and tattoos and tell the skills that would make you "useful" on the island (can fix hair) and the personality traits that would make you "valuable" (big flirt).

The form asks: "Which former castaway would you be most identified with: Gilligan, Skipper, Professor, Mary Anne, Ginger, Mr. and Mrs. Howell and why?" (How about a cross between Ginger and the professor?) And "what accomplishment you are most proud of?" (Miss Goat Head Mall) And which three items you would bring to the island and why. (Toothbrush, deodorant, teddy bear, for obvious reasons.)

They will pick me, however, because of my response to when they said to describe your perfect day. "I would be on hot, steamy, leech-infested island with deadly coral snakes, fighting with testosterone-types from Salt Lake City and Green Bay over a boiled root. And then you guys give me $1,000,000."