BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

In spring a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of beer. This month scholars from across the nation will converge on Padre Island's sandy shores to compete in wet T-shirt contests, throw up off hotel balconies, and receive free condoms. There will be twenty kids to a room, exotic drinks with paper umbrellas, and trips to Matamoros to purchase sombreros and switchblades.

Beer bongs. Bad sunburns. Dysentery. And bungee jumping--FREE--if you're a topless girl!

Why am I such an expert? I'm a sun damaged beach bunny from Moondoggie days. Even my stretch marks have precancerous skin lesions. And guess what? Sonny and me and the girls are going south for a glorious, fun in the sun, tax write-off vacation! The national beautician convention couldn't have come at a better time.

Many of you will be hitting the surf for spring break too and, if you're like me, you'll want to look your best when you make your appearance in that itsy bitsy bathing suit. How to compete with all those shapely coeds? Don't despair, there's a whole week to get the lean, hard body you've always wanted. Start today and major studs will be asking, "Who's that sexy babe?"

I've been working out with the Butt Master several times a day at the beauty shop. Today's women are busy gals indeed but there are a number of helpful exercises you can do, even in line at the grocery store. Squat thrusts, lunges, and thigh plows are perfect for the check-out stand.

Is it immoral to disguise fat? You know what they say about tan flab versus white flab. You may not have time to expose your body to cancer causing death rays at the tanning salon but there are still things you can do. Many products are available (though they do stink) to dye your skin sort of orangish brown.

Swimsuit manufacturers have come out in recent years with girdle-type bathing suits that squeeze all your fat up into the bust region, if you don't mind gasping for breath. Fashion trickery has saved the day for many a surfer girl. An unusual hat--say, a Chinese coolie hat with pompons--can divert attention from those thunder thighs. No one could blame you for concealing your "sensitive skin" beneath a dome tent with a hole cut in the top for your head to stick out. If all else fails, you can always hire someone, a child perhaps for fifty cents, to bury you up to your neck in sand. You can still have fun this way, though there is the danger of being mistaken for a soccer ball by a drunken frat rat from Indiana.

The beach poses unique etiquette challenges. Think of yourself as an Ambassador for the Great State of Texas, observing the rules of good taste and decorum. Ask yourself these questions. If you see a tail-like object--a piece of toilet paper or a beach towel--waving from the buttocks of a girl wearing a thong, should you tell her? Is it okay to vote for yourself in the wet T-shirt contest? Should you wait for a formal introduction before addressing the handsome hunk in an Ol' Miss cap who's peeing on your shoe?

Sonny committed an unforgivable faux pas one spring break. Spotting a van at the condo with "PARTY NAKED" written on the side in shoe polish, he changed the P to an F and erased the Y. What a sorry example for the youth of today.

My family has spent many happy vacations at Padre, and I regret the years we didn't go because of my shark phobia. Sharks or fish that look like sharks are part of the adventure of a beach holiday. Don't let them spoil your fun!

Here are a few tips to make your spring break the best ever. Don't waste time checking out the nude beach--it's just some old guy who lives in a bus north of town. Dead fish and wasted friends both stink after three days. Don't drink out of the hot tub.