BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Saddam Hussein is a sore loser. Or at least Iraqi soccer players are--sore from being beaten, that is. "The Sunday Times" in London reported last week that Saddam's 35 year old son, Odai, issued orders for players to be tortured and their hair and mustaches shaved when they don't win a game, according to a former member of Iraq's Olympic team and Odai's former media spokesman. In 1997 FIFA investigated charges that the Iraqi team had been beaten with canes when they didn't advance in World Cup competition.

Maybe Odai has the right idea. We've tried everything short of torture to get a championship title out of the Poodles, Axel's co-ed soccer team. We forced the players to get frizzy perms. We made them wear their underwear on the outside of their uniforms. We even required them to play in high heel shoes. Our tactics only worked on one player. An Iraqi dissident who defected to the U.S. in 1998 shaped up and scored a few goals. Last May he defected back to Iraq. "It was the high heels," he said. "Even Odai would never order such a thing."

It's the Poodles' fault--they could have won if they wanted to. They were the ones with the flashy jerseys. They were the ones with the custom van. They were the ones with their pictures on the placemats at the Creamy Queen. The city even shelled out $2,000 for a fabulous soccer complex on the shores of Cottonmouth Creek.

You can't imagine how embarrassing it is to sit in the stands at your fabulous soccer complex, wearing your official pink and black Poodle Supporter t-shirt and cap. Your car is on the parking lot all decorated with streamers and shoe polish. And you're watching a bunch of middle-aged, overweight players with bad dribbling skills trip over their own feet and run up huge ambulance bills.

The Poodles' new coach, Ghan Hailey, was about ready to throw in the towel. "Maybe you should call Odai Hussein for advice," I suggested.

It was a huge hassle. Coach Hailey had to get an okay from Madeleine Albright and hire an interpreter. It cost fifty bucks. But it was worth it. The coach didn't get to talk to Odai himself--but some assistant guy told him about the various torture methods and how far you can go without doing more harm than good.

That's how Coach Hailey got the idea for Poodles Summer Torture Camp. "It's not that different from Cowboys Training Camp," he said. "It's hard to beat Wichita Falls in August. Like I always tell the players, what's a little sunstroke when you want to be number one?"

He spent some bucks and recruited real talent--Evelyn Smith and Toby Green who played for the Wanda's Pool Hall Muskrats in Mineral Wells. Evelyn lasted about a week. She broke a nail during a public caning and went back to the Muskrats. Toby, despite daily enemas, put on fifty pounds. It was like the team was jinxed. Coach Hailey's efforts couldn't even motivate our star player, DeVonne Sandler, who continues to refuse to play because of a sore toe.

Maybe even torture isn't enough when you're dealing with a team who has a bad attitude. There's nothing we can do to them that will hurt them as much as they hurt us.