BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Folks all over Axel are debating whether the county commissioners ought to cough up the dough for the grenade launcher, Hovercraft and torpedoes the sheriff requisitioned for top-secret reconnaissance.

Who is Sheriff Strange--the elusive evangelical, high school drop-out, and junk man's protegee? Who is this lawman who hardly ever shows up at the jail?

Commissioners were baffled recently by the discovery of fifty brand new Fords in a subterranean hideout. Why would the sheriff refuse perfectly good vehicles? Rumors abound, as Strange declines to comment.

"The explanation is simple. The sheriff would be embarrassed for his deputies to drive Crown Victorias. They are an embarrassing vehicle," said campaign adviser Tom Savage.

Another possible reason for the sheriff's mysterious behavior is that he has a medical condition such as agoraphobia or hydrophobia which forces him to remain in hiding.

A former employee suggests a startling explanation. "There is no such person as David Strange. The sheriff is a hologram."

If that is true, who is behind the secret surveillance missions undertaken on his televangelist's huge estate? And who gave county commissioners a nine page helicopter ad when asked for a clarification of the department's helicopter program? The shifty-eyed former security guard has also requested nuclear bombs, tanks, and missile launchers to enable him to patrol the property of his preacher and former boss.

Perhaps there's a deeper meaning to Strange's ties to evangelicals.

"People say the Antichrist drives a Crown Victoria," said Herb Fervor, a former classmate of the sheriff's at Goat Head Bible College. "That doodad--the insignia on the Ford--looks pretty darned satanic to me." .

Sheriff Strange is reportedly upset that commissioners are withholding the six Corvettes he ordered, pending an explanation of his refusal to use the Crown Victoria's.

"My advisers said when I took this job I'd get to drive fast and arrest the bad guys. The biggest number on the Crown Victoria speedometer is only 120. The numbers on the Corvette go all the way to 200," the sheriff said through department spokesman, Cmd. Skidrow.

It's not the first disagreement between commissioners and the furtive administrator.

"The sheriff was real miffed when he asked for Harley-Davidsons and all he got were Mo-peds," said a former deputy. "He said they made us look like sissies and his main campaign promise was not to allow any homosexuals in the sheriff's department."

The sheriff, a former MP who has been compared to Francisco Franco, prefers to be called Generalissimo and dresses the part in full military regalia, according to eye witnesses who have glimpsed the reclusive eccentric.

But still the question remains. Why were the Fords spurned? Does Sheriff Strange know something we don't know? Have homosexuals installed secret devices in the Crown Victorias?

Perhaps the answer lies in the Corvettes themselves. Are they, as some have suggested, high tech Armageddon-mobiles, guaranteed to reach warp speed when the rapture ensues, like the spaceship of Heaven's Gate?

Or maybe the sheriff just wants to look cool when he runs for higher office--reportedly governor. He shouldn't stop there. Sheriff Strange--with all his paranoid conspiracy theories--could drum up a lot of support in certain circles besides voters who don't bother to inform themselves about the candidates.

In fact, he'd probably be perfect as President of the Republic of Texas.