BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Everybody in Axel is talking about the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, a bill backed by Governor Bush which would allow free expression of religion on the job, at the mall, or wherever.

"Just think," I said. "If this had already passed, that policeman in Arlington could have worn his little cross without getting fired."

"Pretty soon a cop will be able to wear a cross as big as a hubcap and nobody can do a darn thing," said Sheriff Strange, thumbing through a book on medieval England. "As a matter of fact, I'm already designing new uniforms."

"I wondered what was up when I saw you checking out Robin Hood at the video store."

"Think how handsome the deputies will look dressed as merry men in patrol cars that say Shire-reeve in Olde English script instead of the old cars that said Cobb County Sheriff's Dept."

"Think of the boost in tourism," I said. "But what does 11th century England have to do with religious freedom in Axel?"

"I don't want to say and you can't make me," said Sheriff Strange. "But after this law passes, you can expect to see me holding tent revivals on the courthouse lawn and casting demons out at county commissioners' meetings."

"Speaking of demons," I said, "Won't the law give everybody the same rights? Imagine sending your first grader to school and the teacher's some guy in a devil suit. Imagine animal sacrifice and reading entrails and Hare Krishnas at Goat Head Mall."

"Oh my goodness!" said Sheriff Strange, ignoring me as he stared at his book. "It says here Errol Flynn's outfit wasn't the real McCoy. The shire-reeve wore leather or felt leggings. Shoot, and I already bought 15 pair of green pantyhose."

"These outfits are darling," I said. "Look--it says, 'The Crusaders hung purses with fancy tassels from their girdles.'"

"That could come in handy when I collect the royal revenue," said the sheriff. "As you know, I'm the local representative of the monarchy. Do you think I'll need a slit in my skirt for horseback riding? Or one of those short little dresses?"

"You have to get a sherte, and a cote, and something called a jobe," I said. "Or a dalmatica, chausses, braies, pallium, amusse, surcot, and paenula."

"It's hard to choose."

"Well then, how about chain mail? That would protect you from bullets," I said.

"Only thing is--it weighs about 70 pounds. And, in the sun, chain mail can blind a fellow."

"Sheriff, why are you so somber all of a sudden?" I asked.

"What's the use? I don't know why I even bother trying to think up uniforms for my department. I go to all this trouble and the county commissioners probably won't give us the money to buy them."

"I bet they will, even though they have been pretty niggardly in the past. Now you cheer up, Sheriff. Look at these precious curly-toed shoes. Some of them even have jewels. You and the deputies would look great in them."

"They are real pretty," said the sheriff, brightening a little. "What colors do they come in?"