BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

People all over town are up in arms about Rep. John Longoria's bill in the state House which would make sex a crime for anyone 17 and under. Longoria reasons that, faced with jail time, most teens will opt for things like butterfly collecting.

If H.B. 79 passes, couples in Axel will have to wait two or three years to consummate their marriages.

The Guardians of Decency have already formed a posse of volunteers to round up offenders. Established five years ago, the Guardians gained national attention with their crusade to remove thong panties from store shelves. Other campaigns have included "Rub Out Rubbers" and a boycott of products advertised during re-runs of "Charlie's Angels."

"We're looking forward to catching teenagers in the act," said Elmer Dobbins, Guardian founder. "There's young strumpets out there, doing who knows what. We need cameras, binoculars, telescopic lenses, any type of surveillance equipment--you name it. Bring it in and we'll put it to good use."

The town is split 50/50 over the teen sex bill, with age being an important factor.

Not as many people know about Rep. Rick Blanton's proposal to make it illegal for anyone over the age of forty to engage in sex.

"The thought of it is just so repugnant," said Blanton, R-College Station, the youngest member of the House. "My own mother is forty-three and, believe you me, I wouldn't want to think of her doing anything like that, for heaven's sake."

Probably all sex ought to be illegal.

I believe abstinence should begin in the home. Ever since they were little girls, I've told Stormy and Destinee, "All you have to do is look at these stretch marks to see that sex is a bad deal for women."

I may never get to be a grandmother, but I don't want them making the same mistake my girlfriends and I made--not knowing the difference between love and lust.

Most girls think it's love if a guy shares his six-pack with you. After all, isn't beer the thing he cherishes most?

An innocent little teeny bopper girl is no match for a sophisticated sixteen year old man of the world.

I'll never forget my first date with Sonny. I was absolutely dazzled by his suaveness. There we were at the palatial North Side Coliseum and Sonny was bragging about having met Fritz Von Eric. (Which turned out to be a bald-faced lie!)

I almost wish somebody had locked me in jail instead of letting me get involved with that man. Sure, he had a GTO but they repossessed it three days after we got married. It's been downhill ever since. Driving myself to the hospital when I was attacked by that duck. Giving birth to Stormy in a drainage ditch. No help with the dishes.

Just this morning I nearly had a heart attack when I woke up beside the badly carved wooden head that Sonny leaves on his pillow when he sneaks out in the middle of the night.

I've given it some thought, and I've decided Reps. Longoria and Blanton are right. There ought to be a law.