BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Everybody in Axel is trying to figure out why school started so early this year.

"I think it's so we'll get minimal funding," said Jasper, as I squeezed him into his bulletproof vest for his first day of middle school. "Hey, Mom, isn't it too hot to go out dressed like this?"

"I want you to be safe," I said. He staggered under the weight and broke out in a sweat. I handed him his lunch box and pushed him out the door. His vitals were covered but I felt a pang of worry.

At least school is air conditioned now. I remember my first day of school--how I stewed in a puddle of perspiration, as my scratchy petticoats etched a diamond pattern on the backs of my thighs. Today kids pay to be tortured. Every time I see one of Destinee's new tattoos or body piercings, I want to yell, "Try wearing a petticoat! Or a garter belt and hose!"

Maybe the legislature should have passed Senator Oldfinger's bill requiring students to carry concealed handguns. Anybody considering going on a rampage would be sure to think twice. Plus, if Destinee had a gun, she might not be so scared to go to the restroom at Axel High. Last year some girls held her down and smeared banana pudding in her hair.

"It's like being a character on 'Homicide'," she complained. "I have to hold it until I get home."

School has always been a scary place. We had thugs in my day, too. Guys with duck tails and taps on their shoes--who said things like "Who cut the cheese?" Guys who got paddled and sent to reform school for papering the principal's house or throwing spit wads. The thuggy girls chewed gum in class and let their bra straps show. They went to reform school too. Not like now--when you can paint your nails in a tube top during algebra and the teacher doesn't bat an eye.

"You don't know how good you've got it," I told Destinee. "In my day kids got tetanus shots because we were scared to death of getting lockjaw from a rusty nail. Students these days get tetanus shots so it will be okay if you accidentally sit down on a syringe on the school bus. Life is more exciting nowadays--like a crime show in the new fall lineup."

Back then they made us wear Doris Day dresses and sanitary belts and little bows on Clippies. Far from the ringing cell phones of today's teens, my friends and I had ring around the collar and ringworm and some guy's senior ring on a chain. We didn't have a colorful candy called Spittles! We had spit curls and Eskimo Spitz and spit dribbling from our lips onto the floor of the school cafeteria where the food was not all that tasty.

We had hopscotch and the bunny hop, not hip hop and hopped up Hondas. We got licks if we barely pricked somebody with a switchblade. Not like now when you can stab people all you want.

Kids today don't realize how lucky they are. Who knows why school starts so early? It gives kids a whole extra month to goof off and break rules.