BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

"Wayne Newton just pulled up in an '88 Blazer!" said my beehive customer, Eustace Poole.

I peeked outside. "No, it's just Floyd Tubbs." Floyd was valedictorian of our class. "It's so ironic Floyd should look like Wayne Newton now. In high school everyone said he looked like Gomer Pyle."

"It's all that icing," Juanita Stallings said. "He married a woman who works in the bakery at Winn-Dixie."

In high school, besides being something of a brain, Floyd was known for his hog calling. He tried out for the Johnny Carson show but a bad case of stage fright made his throat close up at the last minute.

Still, you would have to say he was the most successful member of our graduating class for getting that close to stardom. Billy DePew was with Jimi Hendrix the day before he died but Purple Haze never caught on around here. Axel was Neil Diamond country. And many of us had since made the trek to Branson to see the King (Wayne Newton). So it was exciting when Floyd came back home for our high school reunion.

The gym had been transformed into a fabulous nightclub. "For my first number," Floyd intoned, "I'd like to sing a little tune you may have heard before--'Red Roses for a Blue Lady.'"

Debbie Witkowski positively swooned and when she hit the floor, her skirt went up over her head like something you would see on Binny Hinn. Mr. Jackson, our high school principal, now in his 80's, covered her strategically with a cocktail napkin from the buffet table.

To be honest, Floyd's voice was not half as good as Wayne's but several couples took to the dance floor. And, by the time Floyd started singing "Dunkashane" (sp?), almost everybody was tripping the light fantastic, as contented as if this were the real Wayne Newton instead of an imposter who had served time in the Grayson county jail.

Nobody held Floyd's record against him. Who knows what a man will do when he's desperate and Floyd was desperate. His wife and kids had left after Floyd hit a washing machine on the freeway and started drinking. He was himself in traction. His lawyer said it was the pain medication that made him cheat at bingo but the jury wasn't buying.

Floyd spent three long months in jail and all he had to show for it was a poorly made leather wallet. His boss let him go back to work at the hardware store--but the doctor said Floyd was not to lift more than two pounds. So he had to work in the department where they sell earplugs and dust masks which are light weight compared to the sanders and circular saws Floyd knew so much about. Floyd grew depressed and gained a lot of weight and that's when someone noticed the resemblance to Wayne Newton.

Floyd had been imitating Wayne Newton ever since.

"I've never liked Wayne Newton that much myself," he admitted. "But I'd be stupid to look at gift horse in the mouth."

The hog calling had helped him develop an extraordinary vocal range. "It's so great to be back," he told the crowd at the reunion. "I guess you could say I'm in hog heaven."