BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Preachers are in the news again. It's all that spiritual probing. All that titillating potty talk. Welcome to mankind's descent into the ashtray of earthly delight.

Sinners would do well to heed the warning of Axel's psychic troubadour, Dewitt Powell, who exhorts followers to gain mastery over their nether regions before going after the big bucks.

On the verge of the millennia, let us cultivate the stricken nucleus of our virtue. Let us glorify the mystery of our sublime love bondage. Let us wear rubber trousers and fake noses as we trudge onward through a storm of slime.

Exiled in life, devoid of hope, struggling to find our vehicle on the crowded parking lot of doomed civilization, we like to humor ourselves with forecasts for happiness and health in '97 and a new pick-up truck.

But are we willing to hear the Truth? Acting like a jerk cancels out whatever fabulous cash and prizes you're predestined to win at the roulette wheel of life.

Hundreds of years ago, the great psychobabbler Nostradumass predicted everything that has ever happened, including chipping your tooth on that rock in the chili beans. The famed seer predicted (Steve?) Stockman looking for work. He saw a tanker smashing into the New Orleans mall. He somehow "knew" that men would no longer be needed for their sperm.

Our local psychic Dewitt, who lets spirits of the dead take over his mind, has a 100% success rate when it comes to finding missing car keys and stuff. Most of his predictions, however, have to do with the entertainment world. (He told everybody Liz was going to gain back all that weight!)

For the benefit of Beauty Shop Talk readers, most of whom are gigantic brains, Dewitt has tackled the really big issues of Madonna and the Dallas Cowboys.

Join me and Dewitt as we tune in to the universal Jung brain and psychopathically tingle to the vibes of the--

BRAVE NEW WHIRL

Science marches on! The human genome project will detect genes responsible for tailgating, gum popping, and snoring, evolutionary adaptations which have outlived their usefulness. The source of mega-resistant deadly viruses will be discovered--people wiping snotty noses on their sleeves. Cause uncovered too late--millions doomed.

CLANGING SYMBOLS

Look for these exciting events! Madonna will portray a Pantex bomb disassembler named Earlene, singing "Don't Cry for Me, Amarillo." Dallas football thugs will be replaced by prisoners in the Cobb County work release program--Cowboys win Super Bowl (31?). A comet will hit the Fort Worth Stock Show, rendering large beasts extinct. Also cows.

PLACE YOUR BETS

Riverboat gambling in Texas passes by a landslide. When the Rio Grande Queen gets stranded on a sand bar, shipwrecked high rollers colonize the area, creating one of the nation's wealthiest towns, second only to Westover Hills.

WARS AND RUMOURS

Look for these headlines in '97! First successful human cloning. Hong Kong taken over by Commies. Elvis and Adlai Stevenson discovered living on Ganymede.

DUELING INSECTS

Fire ants and killer bees will force Texans to stay indoors from March to December. Desperate scientists at A&M will develop a radiation-style suit covered with sticky traps. Every citizen of the state will be issued one, which must be worn outside at all times, under penalty of law.

MANIFEST DESTINY

After coughing up the Brady Bunch, hip huggers and the flip, the Bermuda Triangle continues to yield treasured retro icons. Get ready to rediscover Rod McKuen (spelling???), Shindig, and the Freddy.

Looks like an exciting one so hang in there, buffalo guys and gals! Dewitt says do like they taught you in Sunday School and this just might be your lucky year!