BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Where do people get off calling Paula Jones trailer trash? Every time I see her, I want to jump up and shout, "Amen, Sister!" Paula and I have walked the same road.

In 1979 State Representative Oscar Trammel of Beanpole walked in on me in the unisex restroom at Morty's Taqueria in Austin. It caused me deep emotional pain and public humiliation.

The public humiliation has really bugged me, so with great reluctance I'm taking Rep. Trammel to court. (I would have come forward sooner but I was afraid I'd lose my beautician's license or something.)

I don't care about the money. All I want is a public apology, a book deal, and a layout in Penthouse.

And the fact I was living in a trailer at the time doesn't mean diddley squat. On to important local news.

You probably saw it on the front page of the Rattler. LaVerne Bloodworth is back in town. The warden let her out for a few days on good behavior.

Regular readers will recall that LaVerne went to jail for felony theft after she and her ex-con boyfriend, Earnest Twitty, stole the Axel High School band instruments. Always the supportive mother, LaVerne committed the crime to get even when her daughter Misty Dawn lost homecoming queen to Lacy Davis.

You can never do enough to please a mother who would kill to see you win, so naturally Misty's a nervous wreck. Lucky for her, the whole town has rallied around her. Nobody wants to see bloodshed.

Several of LaVerne's friends from the bowling alley organized a Welcome Home, LaVerne parade. Tomorrow night LaVerne is going to ride down Main Street in the bucket of Marydell Baxter's front end loader. The whole town will turn out, which may seem odd, seeing as how nobody showed up to see LaVerne's acting debut as Auntie Mame at the cattle auction barn six years ago. They'll be coming out in support of Misty, who everybody loves like she was their own daughter.

Whenever she wrote her mother in Huntsville, Misty had to weave a web of deceit. She knew LaVerne couldn't handle the awful truth--that her daughter, a twenty-two year old spinster, is living in the back of the beauty shop, giving manicures and making earrings in her spare time. All those baby pageants and twirling lessons down the tube--LaVerne would blow a gasket.

You can't blame Misty for telling her mama she's a big local celeb. LaVerne's a ticking time bomb and, like I said, this town doesn't need any more violence. Anyway they were just little white lies. Like that she's been on "Bowling for Burritos," and that she's the spokesmodel for Letha's Rent-to-Own.

The whole town's involved in the charade, which just proves that Axel truly is "the little city with a big heart," as it says on the sign coming into town.

Minnie Ledbetter loaned Misty her debutante dress from 1958, proving that human decency straddles social class. Tiny Mae Smith donated three dozen glazed donuts. When Milton Weid volunteered to let Misty drive her mother around in the bowling alley van, it was enough to restore anybody's faith in humanity.

"Love thy neighbor" is alive and well in Axel, Texas.

And, believe you me, nobody appreciates that more than Misty, who somehow did not inherit her mother's criminal mind. Isn't it funny how LaVerne, who made a living off cock fighting, which is technically a crime in the state of Texas, ended up with such a good-hearted kid? And the rest of us--who have never even served hard time--are raising penny-ante cons and bunko artists?

It just goes to show--you can have trailer park hair and a trailer park budget, but there's no such thing as a trailer park heart.