BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Where will it end? Last week Oprah Winfrey had to move her show to Amarillo so she could testify in a defamation of cow case. Now farmers are suing Jasper and two of his little friends for sneaking into the principal's office and saying "Beans, beans the wonderful fruit, the more you eat the more you toot" on the junior high p.a.

Oprah and Jasper are accused of violating Texas' veggie libel law. Believe me, Jasper would never malign his only vegetable. Besides, even if beans do make you toot, gas is a good thing--a real good thing. And Amarillo's got plenty of it. Besides being the helium capital of the world (for which the city has a monument) it is home to 75 feed lots full of cows whose dynamic digestive systems contribute mightily to methane levels.

Ranchers blame Oprah and her guest, who walked about bovine spongiform encephalopathy, or mad cow disease, for declining beef prices.

"He made a four pound steak sound about as appetizing as a Hong Kong hen," said my cousin Roy, a panhandle rancher.

Call me crazy, but I think Oprah stands a chance of winning. Despite the fact cows don't do a whole lot, there's no way they could be mistaken for vegetables. And even though cows' feelings may have been hurt by Oprah's statement that she would never eat another burger, it is unlikely our forefathers had them in mind when they enacted laws regarding libel and slander.

I contacted hot shot defense attorney Arnie Zinfrang. "Do you think Oprah will beat the rap?" I asked.

"I'd bet my cerebellum," said Zinfrang. "After reviewing tapes of the tv show hundreds of times, I'm convinced what Oprah really said was 'It has just stopped me cold from eating another booger.'"

A laudable resolution. (If only Jasper and his friends could be persuaded!)

Anyway, if panhandle ranchers can sue Oprah for not eating hamburgers, it's no telling who will wind up in court next. I'm worried to death about comments I made on the local call-in show "Ask the Chiropractor."

"My husband's lactose intolerant. Every time he eats a grilled cheese sandwich at the bowling alley, we have to make a pit stop at the gas station on the way home."

I would never knowingly denigrate lactose. And although I don't have the $12 million which is probably spare change for Oprah, I'm scared the food police will come after me next.

I would never disparage any animal, vegetable or mineral. I love all foods equally, and eat them in equal proportions. Rutabagas, squirrel brains, electric eel--they're just like enchiladas and candy bars to me. It would be wrong to feel otherwise.

Right now, for example, I'm chowing down on a heaping bowl full of steak tartare. Ah, the joy of not cooking.

Anyway, scientists say cooking doesn't faze the prions responsible for mad cow disease. Now the public will really freak out. I don't see why ranchers don't just sue Stanley Prusiner, the neurologist who won the 1997 Nobel Prize in Medicine for discovering the weird proteins.

Personally, I couldn't care less about stuff like mad cow disease, salmonella, and E. coli. I continue to eat meat and poultry at every meal, just as I always have.

I'd have to have holes in my head to admit it if I didn't!