BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

So you think your mother's life is one big joke. She falls into a manhole--everybody busts a gut. "I did that on purpose," she says, refusing to get in the ambulance. Then she tries to do a cartwheel. All she cares about is making others happy.

As the mother of several people, I can attest to the pain these merry antics hide. The only thing a mother wants is for her kids to grow up halfway decent. That and a new Corvette. In honor of Mother's Day, we are printing the following letter from an anonymous reader. Maybe your mom wrote it. If so, she dropped off your laundry and you can pick it up here at the paper.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY SON

Dear Son,

Last week Mrs. Vincent saw you at the Piggly Wiggly. You almost gave her a heart attack. Why don't you wear the nice cardigan Grandma sent? Your grandfather was exactly your size, may he rest in peace. It's a wonder he ever found a wife.

Speaking of wives, does it ever cross your mind that girlfriend of yours might be after your money? She may say she can make "a ton of dough" as a tango instructor but wait until she gets herself pregnant. A hundred dollars a week doesn't go far when you've got kids and a house full of poodles.

Forgive me if it's none of my business--I only hope you'll never know real suffering. You should see the socks your father wears. It would break your heart.

I'm having everyone over for dinner Sunday. Your sister said why don't we all go out to a restaurant and I would have a day of rest. But I said what's one more day of work to a woman who has sacrificed her whole life for her family? It would be enough just to see your son occasionally (especially if you wear Grandpa's cardigan). But I know you're very busy with your social life and so forth.

If it's not too much to ask, could you please return your grandmother's hairpiece? She won't go to church without it. Everybody agrees it looks gorgeous on her but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe you could borrow one of your girlfriend's, or is that her real hair?

I hope you are considering the job Mrs. Davis told me about. Her daughter Bernice works in customer relations. That girl has the most beautiful posture--you have never seen posture like hers. Take my advice, when you go for the interview, wear a shirt with sleeves.

Don't get me wrong, a rock and roll singer is a good job for some people. It was good for Pat Boone. And I believe it was a blessing in disguise when you were laid off from 24 Hour Live Male Models. So be a singer if you want to. Just don't fall off the stage like your father.

We're having pot roast. Your sister and the boys will be here at noon in case my leg starts acting up. Your brother Al sent a lovely rubber plant. He can't be here, as he has an important meeting. At least as a singer you will always have plenty of time for your mother.

Your Loving Mother