BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Everybody in town is excited about the Miss Texas Pageant. This year our area is fielding three contenders. Cheyenne Skiprock will compete as Miss Cobb County Watermelon. Fancy Wilson will enter as Miss Cottonmouth Creek. And Krystal Lynn Mulberry will represent Goat Head Mall. Notice there's no Miss Axel. The city of Axel is on suspension until 2005 because of what happened at the pageant several years ago.

To look at her, Miss Axel--Heather Summers--was a picture of angelic beauty. Her eyes were blue, her legs were long and her hair was big and blond. Tiny freckles dotted her nose. When she smiled, her lip curled up to reveal her entire gum line.

"She must be extra sweet," the judges reasoned. We all thought so.

"I want to help the children," she said during her interview. Her hero? Jesus Christ. What would she do if she were elected the first woman president of the United States? Free pizza for everyone.

When things began to go wrong for other contestants, she was always there to help. The broken banjo, the missing accordion, the tap shoes mysteriously set ablaze. She was voted Miss Congeniality. Judges cried when she told about her volunteer work as a personal shopper. All the money was on Miss Axel to win Miss Texas.

That's before anybody realized she was evil personified.

She could have been crowned the Queen of Mean. She tied up Miss San Antonio, sabotaged Miss Longview's false eyelashes and slipped a Mickey to Miss Lubbock. She put itching powder in Miss Tyler's leg make-up. She talked Miss Amarillo into wearing her hair in pigtails in the evening gown competition. And she convinced Miss Waco to yodel during her juggling act.

She gave Miss Mineral Wells an exploding cigar. Told Miss Kilgore that Slovenia is the same as Slovakia. And spread the rumor that Miss Dallas was really a 35 year old man.

She was the embodiment of everything they taught you not to do in Sunday School. One big hunk of sin. A churning cauldron of malevolence. Malevolence against a clogger from Sherman, a baton twirler from Wichita Falls and an innocent puppeteer from Midland.

A clogger clogging in tennis shoes is a pitiful sight indeed.

Could anything stop her before it was too late? Before she was designated the finest specimen of womanhood in a state chock full of hot chicks?

The five finalists were lining up when an observant judge saw her put a frog down Miss Brownsville's dress. You may recall the scene that was broadcast to television audiences around the world as Miss Brownsville started jumping up and down and screaming. Several contestants fell off the stage during the commotion.

Miss Axel was arrested--a day of infamy for everyone in town. When police frisked her, they found a switchblade, a whoopee cushion and a flask of Old Grandpa hidden in her Victor Costa beaded gown. Needless to say, she didn't win.

This year she's back as Miss Franklin County Fire Ant. I hope officials have some Amdro.