BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Soon everybody in Axel will be lining up to book their trips on the Russian Space Station Mir. Where else can you pay $15 million to drink your own recycled sweat?

Ask Michael Foale, the NASA astronaut who was aboard Mir when it collided with a cargo ship full of garbage in 1997. The cabin lost air pressure and Foale lost his bed, personal belongings and most of his science experiments. The craft limped along with half its electrical power for the remainder of his four and a half month stay. Sound fun? Foale's predecessor, American astronaut Jerry Linenger, was on board when an oxygen canister exploded, causing a fire which blocked the only escape route.

Something tells me you won't see either of them cashing in their retirement plans to go back.

Abandoned in August, the fourteen year old space station was destined to burn up in Earth's atmosphere. But recent infusions of cash have given Mir a new lease on life and a new image. Investors hope to turn it into an exotic travel destination for wealthy travelers. Russian cosmonauts blasted off recently to repair an oxygen leak and see what it will take to transform the humdrum Soviet-era living quarters into something posh and fancy like a hotel in Vegas.

"It will be like Branson--but without all that traffic," said Weldon Blakewell, manager of the comforter department at Hyper-Bed, who hopes to get the interior-decorating contract. "Of course, you can't do chandeliers or moose heads. Or toss pillows in a coordinating plaid. The bed is just a sleeping bag strapped to the wall, so it's a challenge. The Russians just don't realize how much you can do with mirrors and flocked wallpaper to make the place look big and luxurious. They're pretty much in the dark when it comes to decor."

Mr. Blakewell had hoped to be onboard with cosmonauts Sergei Zalyotin and Alexander Kaleri and a dashing movie star.

"I was crushed when I found out they weren't going to let Vladimir go," he said.

Vladimir Steklov, a 52 year old Russian actor, had trained with cosmonauts so he could accompany them. According to CNN.com, British producer John Daly and Russian director Yuri Kara had made a deal with the Russian Aerospace Agency to put Steklov on Mir in order to shoot scenes for a movie, "The Last Journey".

Steklov would play a disobedient cosmonaut who refuses to leave Mir, vowing to spend the rest of his life orbiting Earth--a wrenching, emotional tale in the best 19th century Russian tradition. Ground control comes up with a plan to send a beautiful woman to entice him back to the planet. Sean Penn and Gary Oldman were also supposed to appear in the flick and producers had hoped to sign Robert DeNiro and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

But Steklov got kicked off the mission before blastoff when the agreed upon fee was not forthcoming.

"I'm really disappointed," Mr. Blakewell said. "I idolize Sean Penn."

"Maybe they could get the cast of 'Road Rules'," I said. "And get Mountain Dew for a sponsor. Or Fox could select a space crew by conducting interviews at the malls like they did for 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?' Americans love the suffering, the turmoil, the stinky sneaker smell of reality-based shows. Is that why you want to go, Mr. Blakewell?"

"Yeah, besides the adventure, I heard the food's really good."