BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Last week America was stunned to hear that Kathie Lee Gifford plans to leave the show. I can sympathize. Like Kathie Lee, I miss singing and acting and want to spread my wings. Oh, and I'm jealous of Regis.

"I no longer feel comfortable sharing the ordinary, innocent, everyday details of my family life . . ." she said. I know how she feels. Everyone at the beauty shop made such a big deal about Sonny sleeping with that hooker. And Destinee's first tattoo-you should have heard the ruckus. So what if Jasper is writing to Charles Manson and Stormy has head lice? I shared these intimate glimpses of my family life with the public and what did it get me? A visit from the public health department.

Maybe I shouldn't have let that tv crew set up cameras all over the house and film us 24 hours a day for their reality-based tv series on the rotting of the American family. But the cultural anthropologist in charge of the project assured me that we would be the example of the "good" family, as compared to the Billingham family in Connecticut who shoot grouse all the time and go to soirees.

How was I to know they had installed a camera in the shower? Next thing I know, we're getting calls from Jerry Springer. A lot of people shower with their pets. If you had fleas, you'd understand.

Anyway, I've learned my lesson. Don't cast pearls before swine. Kathie Lee and I have to start hiding our lights under a bushel, much as we hate to. We have to establish "boundaries."

"Why can't you just mind your own business?" I bitterly remarked to one of my customers who had seen me on tv talking about my STD. He advised me to get a shot and he didn't leave a very big tip.

"That's what's wrong with this country," said Erwin Smith, who was waiting to get his ear hair trimmed. "People aren't interested in living their own lives anymore. They're too busy watching other people live theirs on tv."

Erwin is on a crusade against reality-based television. He gave his tv away several days ago. He claims you can live without one. "My mind is my tv. Like, when I was hurrying over here, I pretended I was being ridden by Elizabeth Taylor at the Kentucky Derby. It made me feel all tingly."

"I'll have to try that," I said.

"Sometimes, when I'm really rushed, I pretend I'm Captain Kirk and a monster that looks like a rock is chasing me. It works in all kinds of situations. At the grocery store, I think of myself as Alice on 'The Brady Bunch' buying the ingredients for Greg's birthday cake."

"That's almost as good as real tv," I said.

"And when I mow the grass, I imagine I'm Wally Cleaver and that as soon as I get through, I can hang out with Eddie and the guys."

"Gee, that's just like the good old days," I said. "They never watched tv on 'Leave it to Beaver.'"

Erwin stared wistfully out of window. "Yeah, America was a lot better place before people started watching tv."