BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Women all over Axel are up in arms over comments made by Lana Jallal, the attorney representing Sheriff Strange in his lawsuit against county commissioners.

It was a hectic day at the beauty shop. I was in the middle of two beehives and a spiral perm.

"Hurry up, Vicki Charmaine. I'm due over at the stock show grounds," said Pearl Acuff, squeezed into a pair of size 22 Wranglers which made it difficult for her to get out from under the hair dryer. A proud homemaker and accomplished livestock breeder, Pearl was counting on winning a ribbon for her boar, John Travolta. At 73, she has won enough ribbons to applique seat covers for her GTO.

"Pearl, I swear, the tinier you get, the bigger your hair looks," I said, ratting up her hair real big so she was one-third hair, one-third torso, and one-third legs, which is scientifically proven to be the most desirable body-type. Suddenly the door flew open and in stormed Earlene Whitehead, waving a rolled-up newspaper.

"This just makes my blood boil," she said, slamming Wednesday's Axel Rattler on the roller tray. She pointed to the picture of Lana Jallal, the sheriff's attractive young lawyer. "'I'm just a housewife,'" Earlene mocked, batting her eyelashes. "'I have very little experience.' She had the nerve to say that."

"Jallal asked the county to fork over $100,000 so she could hire somebody to help her sue the commissioners," I read.

"Doesn't that just burn you up?" said Earlene.

"It sure does," I said. "Being a housewife is no excuse. I hate it when a woman spends three years on a Ph.d. in physics and then acts like she can't figure the flux of a vector. 'I'm just a housewife,' she says. 'Will you do it for me?'"

"The article says she's got somebody in mind to help her," said Earlene.

"I hope it's not me," I said. "I'm just a housewife too but I'm already up to my gills in time-consuming chores."

"Speaking of chores," said Pearl. "The celebrity milking contest begins in 15 minutes. Don't want to miss that." Before I could stop her, Pearl slithered out of the chair and hobbled to her car.

"I didn't even get a chance to spray her," I said, mindful that my reputation was on the line. I believe you should take pride in your work, no matter what it is--not hide it under a bushel. "I hope her hair-do holds up."

"Deputy Smife just drove up," said Earlene. "And he's driving one of the new cars that just says SHERIFF."

"Deputy, how come the sheriff won't let them write Cobb County on the patrol cars anymore?" I asked.

"Maybe he's hoping people will think he's from Dallas County," said Earlene.

"Maybe he thinks it'll help him get chicks," said the boy who delivers beauty supplies.

Deputy Smife stared at the tips of his boots as the color rose in his cheeks. "It is pretty embarrassing. You know--all the stuff about the Sheriff. Sometimes people just bust out laughing right there on the street."

I bet a lot of other folks working for the sheriff wish they could say, "I'm just a housewife."