BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

I had barely put away my axe murderer costume when it was time to start thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. But with stores displaying Santa and Dracula merchandise simultaneously, it's easy to get confused.

The other day in the check-out line I got mixed up and thought I was buying 15 strands of multi-colored Christmas lights, a life-size reindeer, and a toilet paper dispenser that plays "O Holy Night." Oops, wrong basket. I was buying 8 strands of skeleton lights and papier-mache replicas of the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, marked half-off.

Suddenly, it hit me. Why not trim the tree with vampires, turkeys and leprechauns and celebrate all year round? That set me to thinking of other labor-saving holiday ideas.

As a working woman, I don't always have time to erect my own creche, string cranberries and deck the halls with boughs of holly like a certain guilt-inducing multi-millionaire Home-Ec savant with ties to K-Mart and hundreds of laborers churning out magnolia wreaths and creme brulee.

I'm doing good to take the Christmas tree down by the 4th of July. Like many of you, I reluctantly bought a fake tree several years ago after our live tree ignited and burned the entire house down. (What a way to spend Easter!)

I've been modernizing ever since. Any blond slut can construct a handbag out of pigs' ears, but few homemakers have access to swine parts. Don't get me wrong. I haven't always been the Anti-Martha. In fact, I used to be the hostess with the mostest, pampering guests with personalized gim'me caps and crocheted nose warmers. I designed a different set of slipcovers for each holiday. My towering centerpieces made of pine cones and road kill inspired awe.

Alas, my love affair with handicrafts ended tragically. The family awoke one Christmas morning to the sight of grotesquely bloated rats hanging by their teeth from the Gummi Bear garland I had spent the whole week making.

It's still painful. When I see an article about how to spin your own wool, I want to beat myself for letting my family down. Ladies' magazines scream condemnation. Any woman who doesn't build her own wine cellar, stomp her own grapes, and strangle her own turkey is just a lazy bum.

Reality check. Madame, it's your holiday too, a time to bask alongside your husband in the reflected glow of a televised football game. To drink a case of beer. To stumble outside and fall into the hot tub.

Instead of laboriously growing your own pumpkins in the window, why not indulge in a little holiday magic by cutting a few corners? Even if you've been accused of making half-ass crafts, there's hope with Vicki Charmaine's patented labor-saving ideas.

(1) Invest in a plastic turkey. Then you can serve whatever you want-- hot dogs, canned spaghetti, even space food from a tube! Your plastic turkey will bring years of enjoyment! (2) Bestow symbolic gifts. Write "world peace" on a sheet of paper and stuff it into a gaily colored gift bag for a socially conscious loved one. (3) Teach children the "true" meaning of whatever holiday it happens to be by going to a sports bar where the family can be surrounded by swearing drunkards and football games on big screen tvs, just like home! (4) Pretend to have been taken hostage. It's the only acceptable excuse for missing all the fun.

Enjoy!