BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch with Jasper Bunch

People are already saying, "Let's put the Christ back in Christmas." What they should be saying is, "Who put the weenie in Halloween?"

"You never see any demonic costumes any more," lamented my son, Jasper. "When a kid's fifteen and he's still dressing up as a clown or a puppy, then you know something's wrong with society." Jasper plans to dress as Offspring's "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" nerd with a 31 tattooed on his arm. But most of his friends at Axel Junior High will be dressed as pumpkins and Pokemon characters.

"The problem is, grown-ups won't give you candy if you dress scary," said my daughter, Stormy. She has a good point. Last year when a trick or treater came as Patsy Ramsey, I slammed the door in her face.

"Adults have ruined Halloween with those haunted houses that show people getting abortions and root canals," said Destinee. "That's sick."

"I've got it," I said. "Why don't you kids make your own haunted house right here at home?"

They got some Scotch tape and bailing wire and before I could say "premises liability" the kids had transformed our elegant home on the shores of Cotton Mouth Creek into a living hell. Of course, it was already sort of like a haunted house because of the cobwebs, exposed wiring and deadly bacteria. They partitioned the rooms with old stained sheets, made a cassette of themselves screaming and got their friends to act out horrifying scenes like they do at that church in Cedar Hill.

"This isn't some amateurish haunted house where you stick your hand in a bowl of spaghetti," I told a talk radio host. "Our house is designed to teach youngsters what will happen to them if they make the wrong choices."

Every night families line up for blocks to make the trip through Jasper's Living Hell. In the first room, preschoolers in colorful uniforms pass a soccer ball. A little girl with pigtails does a header. Then she says, "Two plus two is five." A deep voice booms, "Play soccer--And Get Brain Damage!"

In the next room a first grader sits at his desk eating glue. Suddenly he throws up. "Eat glue--and Vomit!" the voice says.

"They're ruining everything kids like to do," said a girl to her father.

"Honey, we're just trying to save you before it's too late," I said. Plus, we get $12 a head.

I was a little hurt when Jasper, Destinee and Stormy rejected my suggestions: "Does that squirrel have rabies?"; "Where did I put my car keys?" and "You mean I had a wedgie all this time?" Even so, I still love Jasper's Living Hell. My favorite scene is "Eat Candy--And Lose Your Teeth!" because my husband, Sonny, looks so funny with his teeth blacked out. Kids themselves are nuts about "Play with Firecrackers--And Blow Your Hand Off!" They come back again and again to see the carnage.

Mothers, as well as school teachers, have personally thanked us for "Pat Your Dog--And Get Worms!" and "Wear a Friend's Hat--And Get Head Lice!" They also like "Use a Public Restroom--And Get VD!", "Play in a Sandbox--And Get Parasites!" and "Shoot a BB gun--And Go Blind!"

"You have saved families so much heartache," said a recent visitor.

I wish we could have used "Ride Your Bicycle--And Become Impotent!" But even we know certain subjects just aren't appropriate for children.