BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

The nation is reeling from the news that over half of all Americans--52%--are overweight according to new guidelines published by the federal government. The rest of the report is equally alarming.

According to the study, more than half of all Americans are afraid of ghosts. Half would rather watch ice melt than walk around the block and half cannot tell time. Half cannot pronounce the word "nuclear" and half are unable to see their own feet. More than half believe they are the offspring of space aliens. Half went to Vegas for their honeymoon and over half play bingo at least five times a week. Half hate brussels sprouts and half had their first sexual encounter after seeing the movie Saturday Night Fever.

Half play the accordion and half sympathize with Bill Clinton. Half of all Americans dot their i's with happy faces and half haven't washed their legs in over five years. Half believe in the good fairy and half carry a good luck charm. Half sleep with stuffed animals and half wear a size 13 or greater shoe. Half raise pet alligators and over half believe dolphins are smarter than humans.

Half believe their thoughts are controlled by the federal government and half talk to the television. Half collect string. Half claim to have coined the term "you the man." Half refer to their stomach as "Bobby" and half voted for Perot. Half have never seen the back of their head and half take Viagra. Half are lactose intolerant and half only brush their teeth on special occasions.

Over half wear garlic to repel vampires and half read the newspaper as they drive to work. Half are allergic to common table salt and half must avoid the sun. Half would support a ban on stretch pants and half have mistaken a gorilla for their own mother. Half wish they were over seven feet tall and half claim to have discovered the headwaters of the River Nile.

Half have been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and half have gallstones. Half have forgotten the name of their insurance agent. Half have never water-skied.

Half have attempted to hold up a fast food restaurant and half believe they are invisible. Half wear only black. Half can't find their shoes and half don't know their mother's middle name. Half wear swimsuits in the shower. Half have never seen their spouse without underwear.

Half need sugar-coated cereal to live and half hate clowns. Half don't know their own address. Half wish they were ducks. Half are in love with Johnny Depp. Over 52% lie about their age and half are ambidextrous.

Half are on probation and half are currently serving jail time. Half can't spell their own names. Half can't remember what day it is. Half are over a million dollars in debt. Half have never tasted swordfish.

Half have been bitten by venomous snakes. Half subsist on cotton candy. Half have committed capital murder and do not know their cholesterol count. Half suffer from iron poor blood. Half can breathe underwater like a fish.

Half have smoked cigars since the age of ten and half own grenade launchers. Half look up to Pat Sajak. Half have been married at least five times and over half are legally sane. More than half are members of cults. Half pierced their own navels and half are former Olympic ice skaters.

Half know what it's like to be lonely and half get more than half their calories from animal lard. Half are afraid of rabid bats. Half have won over a trillion dollars in the lottery. Half can bend iron with the power of their mind. Over half were peasant girls in a former life.

Half of all Americans are already on a diet and half of those will actually gain weight from it. The other half will vow to go on a diet. Half will go off the diet they are on. Half of those will gain weight. Half will go on a different diet. Half of those will gain weight.