BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Last week the Axel City Council voted to back a state bill requiring background checks of gun buyers at local gun shows. Police departments all over the state support it.

"What about stink bombs and bayonets?" I said, mesmerized by the wares on display at the convention center. There were grappling hooks and a book about how to cook squirrels, automatic weapon conversion kits--even a camouflage cover for your car.

"I don't know why legislators insist on testing the patience of responsible gun owners," said Mary Alice Flak, an Austin gun lobbyist. "I guess it's like the bumper sticker says, 'Politicians prefer unarmed peasants.'"

"Speaking of bumper stickers," I said, "There sure are some clever ones for sale. I like 'Keep honking, I'm reloading' and 'Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition.' But what does this mean--'So many cats, so few recipes'?"

"Oh, that one must be for Y2K," said Flak.

"Hey--these badges and uniforms look just like the real thing! I can't decide whether to buy my husband one that says Sheriff or one that says Police."

"Why not get both? And how about these handcuffs? Great for Y2K. Or this knife that can go through a metal detector."

"Gee, they have blow darts and sniper manuals and laser sights that make a dot on your victim's forehead. And hollow point bullets and gas masks and a Spando-Flage Head Net. My son would go nuts in here."

"All men do," said Flak. "I met my husband at a survivalist expo. It was love at first sight."

"How romantic," I said. "I bet you can meet some rugged he-men at one of these events. Like that guy over there in the camo face paint."

"Why do you think I started going to gun shows?" said Flak.

"I always wondered what kind of women join the NRA."

"Women just like you and me," said Flak. "Women who believe in traditional values like capital punishment and sensible shoes. Those steel-toed boots of yours look pretty sturdy--you should sign up."

"I don't know," I said. "I want to shoot people as much as the next gal but I've heard that with a gun in the house, you're just as likely to shoot a family member."

"I'll admit, it is tempting," said Flak, staring into space. "As tempting as the last piece of birthday cake with thick chocolate icing. You lie in bed thinking about it. Finally you tiptoe into the kitchen and there's an intruder sitting at the table eating the cake you bought with your own money. BAM! You shoot first and ask questions later. How sad, it was Grandpa."

"That same thing happened in our family when my brother shot Dad's tooth out with a BB gun. Dad kept asking, 'Why me, Lord?' It was very hard for him to recover his faith in guns," I said. "Poor Dad. I think I'll surprise him with one of these Glocks. I'll have to hurry and buy it before they start doing background checks."