BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

My life is so boring. Cooking. Cleaning. Washing the DNA off my family's clothes. Nothing like in the movies.

Everywhere I look people are getting their groove back. Finding sweet young things to rub Ben-Gay on their tired old thighs. Terry McMillan<qc>, the lucky 46 year old author of How Stella Got Her Groove Back, recently married the 24 year old she met in Jamaica several years ago--exactly like the heroine in her story.

In just thirty years we've gone from the awkward predicament of Dustin Hoffman<qc> in The Graduate to the jubilation of Angela Bassett in the movie adaptation of McMillan's book. Gone are the days when a 40 year old woman was expected to hide from the world like Norma Desmond<qc>, the washed-up star Gloria Swanson <qc> portrayed in Sunset Boulevard. All you have to do is turn on Jerry Springer to see a steady stream of silver-haired grannies who are dating teenaged boys.

My best friend Brandi got her groove back with a sacker at the grocery store. It started with a 50 pound box of cat litter.

"Try it. It's easy," said Brandi. But I wouldn't know what to wear. Stretch pants and a parrot shirt? Thong panties and a Gap dress? Hot pants? Spandex? A tube?

I'm afraid I'd look like Miss Jane chasing after Jethro. Though I won't say it isn't tempting. I wouldn't mind sharing a pizza with Johnny Depp--but he's too old. Same with Nicholas Cage <qc>. I guess it's obvious I go for rebels. Guys like James Dean <qc>, except he's dead.

I'm sure there's some Tom, Dick, or Harry I could get my groove back with--but what if it backfires? What if I wind up like Blanche DuBois,<qc> dodging direct light like Count Dracula? Or delusional like Norma Desmond, planning a pathetic comeback? Norma should have stayed in seclusion with her dead monkey and maybe I should too.

How Stella Got Her Groove Back isn't the only movie people are acting like. There's Something About Mary is about all the embarrassing, gross things that happen when you fall in love. Future generations may well consider Mary a key to the final years of this millennium, the way Gone With the Wind eulogizes the South. Like a Stone Age cave painting, it says fertility is big deal.

This sentiment is echoed by Axel's movie mogul, Tyrone Powell. "It's about sex, stupid," he barked the other day on the set of Legal Weapon 6, the tragic tale of a middle-aged head-of-state who gives in to hot young flesh.

Is the politician's problem a sin, a sickness or just a bad habit like picking your nose? How come a guy's not considered a stud anymore when he nails the office help? These are the questions Powell explores.

"There's a lot of junk that will turn your stomach but the music's great. It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels, Your Cheatin' Heart, and Jerry Lee Lewis <qc> singing Big Legged Woman. We've hired Helen Chenoweth <qc> and Dan Burton <qc> to help write the script."

"Is it true Jim Carey's <qc> playing the special prosecutor?" I asked.

"We sure hope so. We need somebody really irritating. A guy who can badger you to death."

"I've heard there's lots of bathroom humor," I said.

"Yeah, pee pee, poo poo. The public loves that stuff."

"Too bad the rating will keep second graders out."

"Yeah. I don't know why we can have this stuff on the six o'clock news and then they slap an R on us." But Powell is optimistic. "The longer this thing in Washington drags on, the better our chances for a big hit."

Movies reflect our fears and our desires. How Stella Got Her Groove Back is a full-grown woman's fantasy. Legal Weapon 6 is a man's worst nightmare.

After all, the president got his groove back and look where it got him.