BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Was I hallucinating or did I see Oliver North on Jeopardy last week? I guess Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy, and Pat Robertson bombed out during pre-show contestant screening. Rumor has it Alex Trebek really wanted Phil Gramm, but I guess he was too busy making videos to thwart President Clinton's judicial appointments.

Gramm-watchers will recall the senator's involvement with the movie industry, dating back to his 1974 investment of $7,500 in a porn film. According to his former brother-in-law, Gramm's interest in celluloid smut was aroused by a flick called Truck Stop Women.

How exciting it must be for Sen. Gramm to be appearing in a low-budget film himself. On a tape produced by the conservative Judicial Selection Monitoring Project, he rails against "activist judges," including former state judge Michael Schattman, Clinton's nominee to a judicial post in the Northern District of Texas. According to sources, Gramm appears fully clothed.

Gramm is known to many constituents as Mickey Mud Turtle because he resembles the goobery puppet on Mickey and Amanda, a local children's television show in the 50's. I don't know much about show business, despite the fact my sister-in-law used to be married to one of the gorillas on Slam Bang Theater. But if somebody offered me the chance to be in a low-budget film--possibly even one filmed in a motel room--I'd have a hard time passing it up. So I know how Sen. Gramm feels.

Stars get in your eyes. You picture your modest turtle-head projected hundreds of times larger on a giant movie screen and think of your flat, nasal voice amplified through the wonders of Digital Stereo Surround Sound. When you imagine people panting from the spectacle--the way you did when you watched Truck Stop Women--well, it's easy to get the big head.

. Anyway, as if to confirm his reputation for full frontal nerdity, Gramm blocked the appointment of Schattman, a widely respected jurist considered a brilliant legal scholar by many. A front page article in the Sunday New York Times (Nov. 16) described the debacle.

The senator, of course, has his supporters. Actress Patti Ho, contacted on the set of her new movie Naked Came I, said, "I've never heard of Schattman but I think one time I voted for Gramm. He's the one that looks like a turtle, right?"

Gramm's spokeman, Larry Neal claims that Schattman is incapable of making unbiased decisions regarding the defense industry. Schattman served four years in the ROTC at Georgetown University and was honorably discharged from the Army in 1972, close to the time of Gramm's porno film investment.

What a shame the senator isn't up for a judgeship himself. Despite the fact he avoided serving in Vietnam by claiming student and teaching deferments, Gramm would probably have little trouble giving big guns a fair shake. And even if Gramm was a lilly-livered chicken when it came to defending American interests on foreign soil, the senator has stood behind the NRA's crusade to keep guns on the streets of Axel where they belong.

It's too bad Gramm missed the Jeopardy gig. I guess we'll have to settle for laughing at Phil on video.