BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Last week on Oprah they were talking about how important it is to set goals. One lady tearfully told the audience her son had never seen her in her wedding gown. Her goal was to lose enough weight to model it for him on his 15th birthday. It reminded me of my sister's goal--for Ferlin Husky to see her in her birthday suit.

Another woman was struggling with the transition from prostitute to Broadway star. As Oprah's expert said, the first step is to go to work with your clothes on.

It started me thinking--what are my goals? I could try to get back into my 8th grade glee club outfit but it wouldn't mean that much. Not that losing weight isn't a worthwhile goal. Believe you me, I realized the importance of maintaining a healthy weight when I got stuck in that inner tube at Hurricane Harbor last summer and had to be rescued by the paramedics.

But surely there's a more exciting objective than getting rid of the fat you used to not have. Achieving something brand new such as perfect pitch or the ability to water-ski on one leg. Climbing Mt. Everest or drinking a case of beer without throwing up. It doesn't take a genius to figure this out--just old age.

With the approach of middle age, goals take on paramount importance. You realize you're always going to be a big loser if you don't get off your butt and accomplish something. So you take up lacrosse or juggling with a vengeance. You start eating performance enhancers by the handfuls and get a hairweave.

The sad news is, once you are over the hill, you will never be able to do anything even half as well as you could when you were ten years old and didn't give a damn.

If only we knew the importance of setting goals in our youth instead of squandering what little talent or ability we were born with. How I regret setting my sights so low. When I was 30, my goal was to make it home from work without having to stop at a public toilet. To get through the day without a run in my support hose. To order pie before the diner was all sold out.

I was tall, blonde and busty. I had already trapped a husband. What did I need goals for?

With age came wisdom. I once was blind but now I see: THERE'S MORE TO LIFE than a vibrator and a bag full of Snickers bars. To reach for a star, you must first leave your comfort zone. You have to take the plunge--dive off the deep end. It's like checking into a cheap motel without packing the Lysol. Like buying a tamale from a guy on the sidewalk. Like dating your best friend's cousin. You cross your fingers, say a prayer and leap.

I'll never forget the day I realized that I might even have to SUFFER to achieve my goals, if only I can figure out what they are. (Something to do with money and not looking old.) Physical, emotional, and psychic pain are the price one pays for greatness.

The guy on Oprah said to visualize your goals. Picture yourself on the back of a 10 ton rhinoceros or floating around on the Mir. Performing the first chimp to human brain transplant or knocking out Mike Tyson. It helps to close your eyes and experience the exact sensations of the president of the United States, a paid ventriloquist or an alligator wrestler. Do this and someday soon you won't have to wear that humiliating corny dog costume to work at the mall.

Sure, people will say you're a dreamer. That's what they said about the guy who invented nose strips. Once you've got money and glory, you can laugh in their faces.

A youthful appearance helps. And going to work with your clothes on.