BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

To a political candidate, there's nothing better than the roar of the crowd, still ringing in my ears as I recall last week's Mardi Gras ball where my husband Sonny and I were awarded the first place trophy. It was worth all the effort of squeezing Sonny into the skunk costume I made for Destinee when she was five. The applause was deafening when he crouched with his tail in the air and hopped backwards in the samba line, the same dance he did in a rented tux at my cousin's wedding. We were on a roll.

I enjoy meeting the public--laying big, wet kisses on any guy who looks like he could make a sizable donation to my campaign war chest. I hoped to kiss a lot of guys at the League of Women Voters Family Feud last Thursday--another feather in my cap. I guess you can't blame the columnist who winced at the idea of competing against me. After all, it's pretty obvious who deserves to be named "the local politician most likely to wind up on an episode of Bay Watch." Like my mother said, it 's possible to be too cute for your own good.

Politics is showmanship, and it pays to get on a game show. Most historians view Ronald Reagan's seven year stint on Hollywood Sqaures as the foundation of his presidential career. There aren't many opportunities around here for a candidate to appear on a game show now that Bowling for Dollars is off the air. Which made the Family Feud all the more important to my city council campaign.

Hundreds of voters called, practically suicidal, when I didn't show up, as had been promised on the original invitation. A live quiz show--that ultimate test of physical and mental dexterity--is a sure-fire way to separate the wheat from the chaff. For someone like me, it's a chance to flash my photons out in public. For others, it's an opportunity to be seen in torn trousers and a wine-stained shirt.

Speaking of attire, I returned the red Bill Blass suit I bought to win votes of Republicans attending the Feud. Republicans like litmus tests. Lucky for me, the only litmus test most of my supporters care about is whether I own the vinyl of Little Richard singing "Tutti-Frutti." The only platform they care about is platform shoes.

They were ape to see me and I feel bad about letting them down. Maybe I could get my ideas across in a lively format like MTV's "Singled Out" where Jenny McCarthy-replacement-Carmen Electra steers contestants through terrain jam-packed with personal opinion land mines, any one of which could blow them into the reject pile. In the Politics version, a voter could sit on stage and hold up a card with her answers to a set of questions. Candidates would stay in the game as long as their responses matched hers.

I came up with the following questions. Republicans can use them as a litmus test. Democrats as an electric Kool-Aid acid test.

1. PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY: Flower Power or Power Team?

2. FOR A GOOD TIME: Call Bambi or kill Bambi?

3. TRIP TO THE DRUG STORE: Trojans or Preparation H?

. 4. SIGNS OF THE TIMES: Peace sign or scanning Disney movies for signs of satanic worship?

5. ALPHABET SOUP: XXX or NRA?

6. A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS: Water pipe or campaign contribution from R.J. Reynolds?

7. CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN: Tie-dyed or dead animal?

8. YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE: Black light or cross burning?

9. FAVORITE DAVID: David Lee Roth or David Williams?

10.HIGH VOLTAGE: Electric Ladyland or Electric Chair?

Let's make a deal. The price is right. Vote for me.