BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

A new state law requires a person under the age of eighteen to obtain written permission from a parent in order to pierce any body part other than the ear. The need for an even more important law was overlooked--that parents get written permission from any child under the age of eighteen months before piercing the infant's ears. You've seen Poor Baby screaming at the mall as a mom in spiked heels, tight jeans, and a spiral perm tries to hold her still for the sixteen year old ear-piercer girl in the kiosk.

Another neglected piece of legislation would have required any guy over forty to obtain his wife's permission before getting a tattoo, due to the risk of death when his wife pulls the trigger. A bill sponsored by Delores Dudley of Axel would have made a wife's consent mandatory for a husband in mid-life crisis to purchase a Harley Davidson and all the accessories--the chains, the earring, the cap to cover his bald-spot. The pirate's wooden leg and eye patch.

"It's not fair that we have to get a note to get our tongue pierced," said my daughter, Stormy. "Moms don't have to ask their kid's permission before getting size double-D breast implants or their lips poofed up like Steven Tyler's."

"No kidding," said her sister, Destinee. "And what about Daisy Dukes and tube tops? A mom should have to get a note from her kids if she wants to shop in the Juniors Department."

"And Dads shouldn't be allowed to say 'dude' and marry their secretaries," said Stormy.

"Or water the lawn in Speedos," said my son Jasper. We all gazed out the window at my husband Sonny who was attempting to squirt our neighbor, the exotic dancer Candy Lovelace, with the hose.

"What kind of man would humiliate his children this way?" I asked.

"What about moms who wear leopard stretch pants and beehives?" said Stormy. The three kids looked at me.

"I say any guy whose butt crack shows should be fined $200 and sentenced to 100 hours of community service," said Destinee.

"And no man over 50 should be allowed to drive a convertible," said Stormy.

"Parents shouldn't put a bumper sticker on the car that says 'My Child is an Honor Student,'" said Jasper. "But the one that says 'My Kid and Your Money Go to TDC' is ok."

"Moms in thong bikinis ought to be required to undergo psychiatric testing," Stormy said.

"And any woman over age 18 caught wearing a hair bow should be sentenced to hard labor," said Destinee.

"What about fanny packs?" asked Jasper.

"And mothers who shop at Frederick's?" said Destinee.

"What about dads who wear socks with sandals?" said Jasper.

"And flirt with our friends?" said Stormy.

"It's gross when grown-ups watch Dawson's Creek," said Jasper.

"The worst is when Mom gets mad and tries to peel out," said Destinee.

"No, the worst was definitely when Dad did the funky chicken at the 'N Sync concert," said Stormy.

Adults will have to change their ways when kids get to write the laws.