BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

As a parent, I have tried to provide the kind of angst-filled environment that engenders artistic expression. The cluttered closets, stained carpet and dirty cat box from which all great music springs. I hope someday at least one of my kids will be a famous rock star. That Stormy, Destinee or little Jasper will write lyrics about their colorful childhood--perhaps describing me as an oddball, a strange duck or an eccentric. They may "imply" things about me--things that are not too good. They might say, for example, that I am an irresponsible vagabond. Good. Then I can sue them for $10 million.

It's their fault--they're the ones who told me about the mom who is suing her rap star son for defamation of character.

I don't usually watch MTV but the other day I got wedged between the engine Sonny was repairing on the living room floor and four cases of Old Milwaukee. At first I was upset about missing "The Young and the Restless" because I couldn't reach the remote. But pretty soon I was clapping along with the music.

"That Slim Shady's some rapper," I told the kids when they got home from school. "I love how he goes 'my name is, my name is' over and over."

"Slim Shady's the album," said Jasper. "The guy's name is Eminem."

"Why would anyone name their son M&Ms?" I asked.

"Eminem," Stormy said, writing it on her notebook. "His mother's suing him for $10 million."

"If you ask me, he should be suing her for naming him Enema," I said.

"Eminem. Like the candy," said Destinee. "She says he implied on Howard Stern that she was a bad mother."

"Was she stoned or something? You would have to be on drugs to name a baby M&Ms," I said. "Although I almost named you Skittles. Or was it Starburst?"

"She didn't name him Eminem. She named him Bruce or Marshall or something," said Stormy.

"Maybe she was stoned," said Jasper. "The song goes '99% of my life I've been lied to. I just found out my mom smokes more dope than I do.'"

"It made his mom really mad," said Stormy.

"Also the song says his mom's bust is small," said Destinee.

"That's terrible," I said, looking down. "So, does this Stick Stickly have a lot of money?"

"Probably. He just won Best New Artist at the MTV Music Video Awards," said Stormy.

"Hmmmmm," I said. "And he said mean things about his mom?"

I thought about Eminem's poor mother as I put dinner on the table. "Remember when you told your friends I went outside to get the mail in my underwear?" I said to Stormy. "And what about that time you told Grandma I'm a bad judge of character? Brandi's been like a mother to you,." I scolded Destinee. "And when you told the man at the mall I was a poor credit risk?" I said to Jasper. "And you all told your teachers about the rat in the bathtub."

"But all that stuff's true," said Destinee. "What are we supposed to do? Stay silent all the time?"

"Say whatever you want, kids," I said, smiling sweetly. "But trust me--this is the kind of life that will make you rich and famous someday."