BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

"I smite thee with the sword of decency."

--Elmer Dobbins

Guardians of Decency Handbook

Evolutionists think God is a monkey.

Was it a monkey that answered Axel's prayers by leading the Grassburs to victory over our arch rivals, the Hondo Jackrabbits?

And was it a monkey that gave Randolph Webb the courage to run two touchdowns on a sprained ankle?

Everybody in Axel is talking about his miraculous transformation from wimp to hero. In fact, only a week ago Coach Howard all but kicked him off the squad.

"Randolph, you ain't no Grassbur," he yelled, according to several players who came in to get their numbers shaved on their heads.

You can imagine how that made Randolph feel. But who's a Grassbur now? A ninety-eight pound weakling who smiled through his tears as Coach Howard carried him off the field to a waiting ambulance!

After Friday night's upset, every six man team in the state is quaking in fear of the Axel Grassburs.

More school news. The ongoing debate about the science curriculum has finally been settled to most people's satisfaction. LaVerne Johnson, the science teacher, is going to use the state-approved biology textbook half the time. Elmer Dobbins, president of Peach Tree Bible College, will teach creation science the other thirty minutes. (The Bible college puts out a coloring book that shows Adam and Eve riding a brontosaurus, dinosaurs on the ark, and human footprints alongside dinosaur tracks at Glen Rose.)

"We're not going to force religion on anybody," said Brother Dobbins, founder of the Guardians of Decency which, as you may recall, shut down the monthly big band dances at the American Legion Hall. "If anybody don't like what we're saying, they can move to Red China or someplace. We stand for the values of our forefathers--Washington, Jefferson, and Joseph McCarthy."

I will say Brother Dobbins has cleaned up Axel.

Under pressure from the Guardians of Decency, the Axel Rattler pulled an ad for Belinda's Burger Barn featuring Belinda's daughter Jessica in her bikini top. Dobbins staged a one-man protest march in front of the Burger Barn for three weeks, causing such a nuisance that Belinda herself finally said, "Just cancel the damn ad." Jessica--who aims to go into modeling--cried all night.

Of course the girls complain about not being allowed to wear slacks anymore but, as the Guardians of Decency Handbook explains:

The adolescent boy is already grappling with his mysterious body.

When a young lady attires herself as a wanton hussy in men's

pants, the sensuous curves of her round hips hold the male's

attention in their godless grasp.

Or, as a Guardian put it, "How can a boy memorize Old Testament lineage with tarts strutting their stuff in the classroom?"

I didn't realize there was so much Satanic worship going on around town until Dobbins' group pointed it out. The phone number of Rick's Dry Cleaners (555-0666). The logo on Lizzie Milner's pickle relish--a well-known devil symbol. The song on the ice cream truck--played backwards it says "Love the devil."

The Guardians swooped over Axel like a cloud of locusts, devouring everything that didn't fit their idea of wholesome.

Nobody paid much attention when they cleaned out the school library but all hell broke loose when they hit the video store.

"All that's left is kiddy shows," Destinee whined.

If it wasn't for the satellite dish, Sonny would have come unglued. You may recall, we met at the Eagle Drive-In. My husband's no atheist but his idea of entertainment would have Brother Dobbins foaming at the mouth.

Axel can live without some things I guess. Lingerie ads, Sausage Fest, coed swimming at the public beach.

We were not prepared, though, to hear that a patriotic rally is being substituted in place of the homecoming dance, which has been the social event of the season as long as anybody can remember. I still have my avocado green homecoming dress and the orchid corsage Sonny gave me. No offense to the Rally for America, but it's not such a big deal that anybody will remember what they wore twenty years down the road.

It's not like this is Baylor where nobody's ever been allowed to dance. People have been dancing in Axel for hundreds of years. It's a tradition.

There's rumors about a beer bust out at the lake so I doubt many will show up at the fairgrounds anyhow. It'll just be one more night of teenage lust at Devil's Bathtub. And girls won't even have a corsage to show for it.

I just hope the Grassburs can keep up their winning streak but, like Randolph said, "There's not much in it if they won't let us dance."