BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Who, better than me, knows the secret to drop-dead gorgeous looks? Who was a hair stylist prodigy from the age of four? Who has been through the fire of cosmetic trial and error, requiring reconstructive surgery after the worst disasters?

I have dedicated my life to serving mankind. Over fifty people, including inmates from the city jail, have taken my non-credit course "Spring into Preciousness" at the junior college. And it just chaps my ass when some fly-by-night beauty operator shows up and tries to steal my clients. Now all anybody can talk about is Mozelle's Hairloom.

Mozelle Peterson doesn't have any idea who she's dealing with. If she did, she'd run for her life.

On to prettier things. The redbuds are blooming. Birds are singing. Easter's just around the bend. And this family's going to be the best dressed ones at church if it kills me.

The least the girls and Sonny can do is wash their greasy hair and put on some decent clothes.

I'm so wrung out from this Mozelle thing, I had to look at my own course notes to remember what's in style. You'll probably be wanting some free advice yourself, so here goes, and I'd appreciate it if you'd remember it was ME that told you.

"The hot new look for spring infuses the deliciousness of pastel sherbets with the grandeur of classic design. Mango, Windex blue, and prune herald an auspicious season of daring innovation and casual elegance. Shantung over dominatrix--bold, nude, and yummy. Everything's "go" this year! Dare to be bare in Axel, fashion mecca of Texas!"

What will a fashion expert like me will wear Easter Sunday? Will it be Jean Paul Gaultier? Badgley Mischka? Christian LaCroix? A crinkle polyamide slip dress? A python print? White shoes--the forbidden fruit! None of the above.

The Bunch girls will be decked out in "Pink Froth," my own chiffon creation sewn up by Benji Buckwall, the alternations lady at the dry cleaners. This year we'll go all the way--with dyed-to-match pink hair--and we'll not forget man's best friend, our French poodle!

My husband Sonny will be as dashing as Rhett Butler in a hot pink polyester leisure suit.(after all, didn't the Lord rest on the Sabbath?) if we can get him out of bed in time for Sunday school.

Thank goodness I always get divinely inspired at Eastertime.

Stormy and Destinee and I are just decorating up a storm, with over a hundred Easter baskets at the house alone, not to mention the ones at the beauty shop. So far we've boiled fifteen hundred eggs. But springing into spring doesn't stop there. Sure, wearing a rabbit costume to work makes it hard to get around, especially when I have to give a perm or something, but if keeps one customer away from that hag Mozelle, it'll be worth it.

Mozelle doesn't know a Chanel belt from a belly chain, and I hope you've noticed her hose with reinforced toes poking out of her open-toed clodhoppers. Only a fool would look to her for an up-to-date list of fashion dos and don'ts. No, there's just one person in this town who knows you're supposed to hold off on spandex hot pants until after April 1. And that big fake fur rabbit-head earrings are out, and "Rabbits Playing Golf" earrings are in.

I don't mean to be tacky or anything, but it's pretty obvious you get what you pay for at certain beauty shops. In fact, I heard something about an outbreak of head lice at some salon. And ringworm too. It makes your hair fall out.

I sure wouldn't want to go there, especially with Easter coming up.