Vicki Novikoff

11716 Wind Creek Ct. 630 words

Aledo, Texas 76008

817/244-2577

BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

A recent study revealed that 95% of Americans claim to have been abducted by a UFO. Thousands say they were impregnated by aliens. Ethicists should take this into account when debating the morality of cloning. Americans are receptive to the idea of high tech. High tech is practically old hat to them.

Sure cloning's unnatural, but so is a white preacher with a four inch high platinum blond Afro. I should know.

Today's future is now. Just because women used to wear bustles and have actual sex doesn't mean it's the only way. Americans are sick of old-fashioned stuff. Whereas the early Greeks could only dream of the battery powered sex toys found in every home today, scientists in top secret underground labs are working feverishly to design amazing gadgets which will appear on shelves next week or next year. You've seen the ITT Tech commercials--the future is in demand.

Old fuddy-duddies gripe about giving up "the act." "Use it or lose it," they warn.

"No muss, no fuss," futurists reply.

Obviously no one in his right mind would opt for primitive procreation when prospective parents get the opportunity to select desirable traits from hair color to straight teeth. Think of all the money that could be saved on braces and eyeglasses.

Theologians are scared egotistical maniacs will clone themselves, but why would somebody like me want a bunch of younger versions of myself running around? It's hard enough competing with the models in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Instead, really fabulous people will have to hire bodyguards to protect themselves from cell thieves who will pedal clones on the black market for billions of dollars.

Some people think cloning will enable them to grow a new version of themselves so they can stay young forever. This would require a seldom-used operation--the brain transplant. And what would you do with all those left-over brains?

Everybody's scared rich people will get to have all the fun of cloning, and the rest of us will be stuck with boring regular reproduction. It's so unfair, and that's the main ethical problem.

I knew if I lived long enough, my degree in philosophy would come in handy. I've been appointed to the Axel Commission on the Ethics of Cloning. Although my college coursework didn't include cloning per se, my fellow eggheads and I did go through several cases of Stolichnaya discussing consequentialist and deontological theories of morality.

As I said in my famous poem, "Suffering Like Nietzsche," sometimes it's our human frailty--our hemorrhoids and flatulence--that builds us into extraordinary humans.

"Lying around sick like Nietzsche/with these bad allergies/this sprained ankle/these ticks and fleas/is giving me a negative philosophy."

Our character is formed by tragedy, existential angst, teenage acne. To survive, we must overcome hurdle after hurdle. Even a purebred guy like Dan Quail has his pesky slings and arrows--but maybe he didn't have enough of them.

No matter what ethicists say, there will be those--mad scientists and diabolical CEOs of multinational corporations--who will try to recreate the perfect human. Rich people could clone whole basketball teams made up Dennis Rodmans. They could clone their own Madonna or Drew Barrymore. Who will rear these uberbrats? How would they prevent a fourteen year old clone from acting like a regular teenager and sneaking out the Humvee or having a beer bash on the ivory carpet? Rich people might trade in their superstar clones for the most well-behaved clones they could lay their hands on--somebody like Miss Manners, for example. But what if Miss Manners' clone got on their case for being rude to the help?

Maybe rich people--and the rest of us--would be better off without any stupid clones. Everybody knows plain old mutts make the best dogs, and that goes double for people.