BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Patriotic Republican women get their hair fixed every week at the beauty shop, but Democrats must be doing something to theirs with a weed eater and a can of WD-40.

So I discovered Friday when I rode to Fort Worth with Sonny in the soda pop truck. He dropped me off at the Clinton rally down in Sundance Square so I could check out Hillary's newest "do." But she wasn't even there--wasted trip, I figured. Was I ever wrong.

There we were surrounded by television cameras and famous news anchors--the perfect opportunity to show off our state to Yankees--and everywhere you looked was a sea of limp, flyaway Democrat hair. I was embarrassed to death.

What is Texas known for, besides the vulgar rich and rusting oil wells? You know as well as I do. Drop-dead gorgeous women with hair like the Tower of Babel.

Where were you big-haired girls Friday? And where did your wimpy blow dry sisters come from? I was the only one--and I'm not even a resident of Tarrant County--fit to be seen.

When I saw Ann Richards coming on stage I realized we had a job to do--saving Texas' image as the babe capital of the U.S. (Obviously we were the only ones who know the meaning of the word Aquanet.) The former governor was like a beacon proclaiming, "Fix your hair, Texas Gals!"

Granted it was misting and the wind chill made it about forty below, but the helmet hair of the Republican protester ladies was intact so Democrats had no excuse.

Governor Richards didn't even get a chance to say anything, what with one long-winded guy after another grabbing the microphone--the bad comb-over, the weasel, Mr. Mousse, and ol' baldy. A few good heads of hair, but nothing like Ralph Reed.

The pretty boys were all on the ground, working the crowd, handing out posters to folks who would agree to stand behind a pole. Whenever the guy in a sport coat showed up with a fist full of flags, it caused a stampede. It doesn't take much to get Democrats excited.

What a contrast with the Republican national convention. You may recall, I was Official Hairdresser to the Texas delegation. Those Republicans know how to live. Born-again executives eating caviar in their Sunday School clothes, drinking white wine, and acting blah-zay.

And haggard Democrats couldn't even get a cup of coffee!

The difference is more than skin deep. Republican women--despite coiffeur and couture--cultivate a look that says they just sucked on a lemon. And the Democrats get so happy about those little flags. As an amateur psychotherapist, I couldn't have asked for a more interesting election season.

I just wish Hillary could have been here to see the way her husband was flirting his head off with Yolanda Cuevas-Chavara. He's a smooth talker, all right. And a good looking, strapping fella! (Reminds me of Mr. Axel High School, Bobby Dwayne Poteet, who could talk the stink off a skunk.)

I'm actually relieved I couldn't get close enough to shake the president's hand. I'd already decided that, if called, I would serve. (Shades of Bobby Dwayne.) He's a manly man! Plus he seems so sweet. Makes you want to hug on him, marijuana or no marijuana.

Like any other working stiff, sure I'd like it if Dole made good on his free money plan. Watching out for Number One sounds good to me. But I hear enough sob stories come through the beauty shop to know people need a safety net. Which brings us back to Aquanet.

Jobs, education, the family--the holy triathlon--sit on the foundation of good personal hygiene. What better place to start than the state Democratic party? As Hillary has demonstrated, it is not a sin to care about your hair. One could say it is patriotic to try and make it look better.

At my suggestion, Mayor Buddy Poteet has declared next week "Bring a Democrat to the Beauty Shop Week" in Axel. Card-carrying Democrats get a 15% discount on all services and we'll be having a free drawing for a pair of Misty Dawn Original earrings.

Bring your friends. We have to pitch in for the good of the country.

Underneath their teased up hair Republicans may be meaner than hell but don't count on it to show when the TV cameras are rolling.