BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Last week George W. Bush was swept to victory at the Delaware primaries in a stunning upset. He got 15,102 votes. McCain got a measly 7,547. Bush had taken off the gloves--presumably the white ones he wore to cotillion while in prep school--prompting McCain to remark, "All of a sudden he's Mr. Hyde."

It was the newer, meaner Bush and we were scared.

"Where has the huggy Bush gone?" said Raylene Rexroat, who was at the beauty shop for an eyebrow wax.

"I bet that's what John McCain is wondering, " I said. "The governor used to hug on him and tell him 'you're my buddy.' Now he's sicking Ralph Reed on him."

"And to think, they broke up the week before Valentine's." Raylene sadly shook her head. "I hate it when that happens."

Juanita Stallings lifted the dryer hood and fiddled with her curlers. "I wish Bush would quit being such a meanie. He was so much pleasanter when he was a compassionate conservative."

"Yeah--before he became a reformer with results," I said, slapping Juanita's hand and setting the timer for ten more minutes. "I wonder what caused the change of heart? I know he suffered a humiliating defeat in New Hampshire but you'd think Dan Quayle's endorsement would have cheered him up."

"I know," Raylene said. "And they were so nice to him down at Bob Jones University--that school where they don't allow interracial dating and the girls still wear skirts. He even had that veteran who stood on stage with him and said McCain deserted the veterans. It's hard to find supporters like that."

"Oh, Bush is loaded with supporters," said Juanita. "Like his Louisiana campaign chairman, Gov. Mike Foster, who was fined $20,000 for buying a mailing list from Klansman David Duke. And that state senator in South Carolina who called the NAACP the association for the advancement of retarded people."

"Don't forget Mom and Dad," Raylene said, pulling the wax off her nose. "A 70 million dollar campaign chest is nothing to sniff at. So why's the governor so testy all of a sudden?"

Juanita put down her "Cosmopolitan" magazine. "Some insiders say Bush gets mad when he's proven wrong--which is probably a lot of the time. Not to criticize dumb guys. Some of my best friends are dumb guys."

"Ignorance is bliss," Raylene sighed.

"Until somebody calls you on it," I said. "Bush reminds me of the study that says the more incompetent you are, the less likely you are to realize it. It's too bad he gets all upset when people start laughing after he says something like 'there's only one person who can stand up and say, 'I'm a reformer with results.""

"People laugh so much that now he's too scared to take questions on foreign and domestic policy issues," Juanita said.

"If you were Bush, wouldn't you be?" Raylene asked.

"I hope his tactics don't backfire," I said. "Stupid can be lovable. And smart-alecky is sometimes divine. But a mean dumb guy? Doesn't Bush remember? Everybody's favorite was Curly--not Moe!"