BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Everybody in Axel is excited about Governor Bunky Livingston's campaign for president. Especially Edwina Echols, chairwoman of the Cottonmouth Country Club Republican Women's Prayer Circle and her son, Kippy, who became friends with the governor in prep school.

"All the surveys show him leading in the polls," said Edwina.

"He could mop the floor with Al Gore," said Kippy.

"Dan Quayle and Steve Forbes are saying some pretty nasty things," I said. "Does that worry you?".

"They're just jealous," said Kippy. "Because Bunky is upper crust. And he looks better in tennis whites."

"He's more in touch with his feelings than Republicans usually are," said Edwina. "My friends and I get all warm and fuzzy when he talks about being a compassionate conservative."

"What exactly is a compassionate conservative?" I asked.

"I used to wonder about that myself," said Edwina. "Until Bunky explained it at Kennebunkport last weekend. Imagine you're a debutante and you come home late and your father beats you, but he's drunk and he starts crying. A compassionate conservative has to do certain things for your own good, even though he finds it distasteful."

"How true, Mumsie," Kippy said.

"I've known the governor since he and my son were young rapscallions at Andover, known for their merrymaking." Edwina took a lace handkerchief from the sleeve of her blouse and blew her nose like a herald trumpeting the arrival of royalty.

"As Bunky always says," Kippy giggled, "if God had wanted us to keep our clothes on at elegant soirees, he would have made us pop out of our mumsies in Christian Dior."

"At least he's clarifying his position on the issues," I said. "About hate crime legislation, for example."

"I would hate to be poor," said Kippy. "So does that make insider trading a hate crime?"

"Or public lewdness, which can be caused by a hatred of too much starch in ones chinos," said Edwina, a tiny tear appearing in the corner of her wrinkled eye.

"Maybe it will be a clean campaign," I said.

"Anyway, Pat Robertson must be proud," said Edwina.

"You mean because the governor is pro-life?" I said. "Or--wait--is he pro-choice?"

"He has to say that because Americans' hearts aren't right," snapped Kippy.

"Bunky is a man of principles," said Edwina. "He's going to make it so the top 10% of high school graduates can get into college."

"But isn't that already the admissions policy at public universities in Texas?" I asked.

"I wouldn't know," sniffed Kippy. "Bunky and I went to Yale."