BEAUTY SHOP TALKWEDDING GUIDE
by
Vicki Charmaine Bunch
Bells are ringing. Chapels are filled with the fragrance of roses and orange blossoms. A blushing bride is about to experience the loveliest, most memorable event in any girl's life, the fulfillment of her life's true purpose--her wedding day. It is the culmination of years of instruction in the feminine arts, the training bras and charm schools, the electrolysis and make-overs which have prepared her for the joys of womanhood.
Perhaps you are just such a bride. Before you walk down the aisle, though, before you take that leap into the state of holy matrimony, perhaps you have some nagging doubts. Maybe you're a divorcee who wonders whether it would be appropriate for your ex-husband give you away. Maybe you need to know the proper etiquette for marrying a prisoner in jail by telephone. You've come to the right place.
Vicki Charmaine's Wedding Planner is a last ditch guide for the worn out bride. From the bridal registry at Target to the honeymoon suite at the La Mirage Motor Inn, Vicki Charmaine will show you the way with easy to understand charts and diagrams.
First, let's look at three typical brides.
{Wedding announcement and photo of Shauna and Dwayne in a cowboy hat]
Poteet-Bobo [centered, bold-face]
Stormy and Darrell Bobo of Axel announce the engagement of their daughter, Shauna Dawn Bobo, to Dwayne Lee Poteet of Springtown. He is the son of Bud and Darlene Poteet of Cool. The couple plans to marry June 10, 2000 at Texas Motor Speedway.
[Return to text]
Our Axel bride works in the photo lab at K-Mart. A demolition derby fan, Shauna is19 and has a four year old son and a two year old daughter by a previous marriage. Her fiance, Dwayne, works at the muffler shop and has three kids by his previous wives. To prove his love for her, Dwayne gave up snuff.
Shauna's special problem: She has a picture of Clint Black tattooed on her butt.
* PHOTO: Large, tasteful wedding portrait of "society" bride like in S-T
[WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT]
Edwards-Livingston [Center, bold-face]
Brooke Allyn Livingston of Plano and Adam Benton Edwards of Fort Worth were united in marriage at 6:30 p.m. June 10, 2000, at Rolling Meadows Presbyterian Church. Dr. Jack Russell officiated. Music was provided by the Dick Finley Combo. The wedding cakes were created by A Taste of Weatherford and floral arrangements were made by Wanda Smith of Floral Creations. A reception followed at The Fort Worth Club.
[Eric--Can you lightly stamp "Cancel" across the wedding announcement?]
[Return to Text]
Brooke met her fiance Adam when they were students at SMU. Adam graduated from law school in May and began working for a prestigious Dallas firm. Brooke has a degree in public relations and works for the Plano Chamber of Commerce. The couple enjoys dog shows and polo matches.
Brooke's wedding quandary: her step-mother, Courtney, plans to wear a white Vera Wang gown at the wedding.
* PHOTO: Bad snapshot of middle-aged woman in badly fitting, ugly suit; bridegroom a blur
[no announcement]
Carol is a 45 year old bank employee. She is engaged to Jerry, an undercover operative for a top-secret government agency. They met two weeks ago in the frozen food isle at the Tom Thumb on Camp Bowie when Carol showed Stan where the Hungry Man Dinners were. Stan had to borrow $5 because he left his wallet in his other pants.
Carol's dilemma: she has never seen a naked man.
Do you recognize yourself in any of our brides?
The Importance of Customizing
Each bride is different but they all have one thing in common--each deserves to have her dreams come true on her special day. Just as Brooke and Adam would probably not choose to have their wedding at the VFW hall in Axel, neither would Dwayne and Shauna hold their rehearsal dinner at River Crest.
The point is, with all the choices available, don't let some bossy wedding consultant or your future mother-in-law talk you into a standard ceremony. They might know all there is to know about canapes but that doesn't guarantee they can tell dip from snuff.
There are as many locations for weddings as there are whores in a whore house. Some suggestions you may not have considered: bowling alley, pool hall, tattoo parlor, junk yard, laundromat.
How to Know For Sure that You Have Found the Love of Your Life
One in three marriages ends in divorce. There is nothing worse than waking up on your wedding day and realizing you hate your bridegroom's guts (and your father has already spent $30,000 on the wedding so you damn sure better go through with it).
One bride's junk is another bride's treasure. We asked each of our brides how she knew she had found Mr. Right.
* PHOTOS: Head shots with quote under each
Brooke: Adam has a hefty trust fund and one night he met Matthew McConnahy (sp?) at a bar in Austin.
Shauna: I like Dwayne's mullet and pick-up truck. Plus, he used to be married to my aunt.
Carol: He's breathing.
Stop! Look! And Listen!
You are not just marrying the good-looking, virile sales associate you met at Abercrombie and Fitch. If there's a fungus growing between your fiance's toes, you are marrying that fungus. You are also marrying his mother the kleptomaniac, his father the anarchist, and his sister who's a crack head. You are even marrying his obese beagle who licks underneath his tale all the time except for when he is licking your face.
Our bank V-P and her dapper beau have planned a romantic honeymoon in Bossier City. Little does Carol know she will never see the inside of the honeymoon suite. Mr. Wonderful is no secret agent--although he does have a secret. "Jerry" (whose real name turns out to be Ed) is currently married to eleven other women. On the way to the Ramada Inn, he will steal Carol's Ford Taurus and her Gloria Vanderbilt matching luggage, only to be arrested at Traders Village as he tries to sell her expensive Victoria's Secret peignoir for $9.99. It's too late for Carol's blow dryer and electric toothbrush.
Lucky for Carol, a kind farmer finds her walking along a deserted country road at midnight. Her virtue is intact but her toiletries are gone for good.
And what of our upper crust couple?
Wedding consultant Vanessa Moss-Finch has already spent $100,000 of Brooke's daddy's money, money Brooke could have spent on a trip or a new car. Our socialite bride demanded the finest--her wedding gown was designed by Mr. Gigi and her platinum engagement ring with the three carat princess cut diamond came from Tiffany's. As houseguests arrive from all over the country, Brooke suddenly realizes she can't stand Adam. But she doesn't want to send back the gifts from Williams Sonoma (check spelling).
Desperate the day before the wedding, Brooke flags down an eighteen wheeler on the way to her pilote (sp?) class. Earl, a 55 year old truck driver, is on his way to Denver with a load of bent metal. Brooke and Earl are married by a J.P. in Amarillo. Brooke isn't wearing her wedding gown by Mr. Gigi. She is wearing a simple black Donna Karan mini-tank and a pair of Nine West pony skin slides.
Who knows what caused the demise of Brooke and Adam's relationship? Maybe it was just a case of wedding jitters.
Something to Consider--
Las Vegas bills itself as the wedding capital of the world. It has many drive-through chapels. And it is relatively cheap.
* PHOTOS: HEAD SHOTS of totally different brides with quotes underneath
"At the wedding reception, Matt's grandmother got sick and threw up on the smoked salmon."
"At my lingerie shower, my future mother-in-law told everybody, "They've been shacking up for months. Isn't this kind of an afterthought?"
"Brad's mother insists on being one of my bridesmaids."
"Jason's dad insists on being one of my bridesmaids."
There are practical questions which must be considered before embarking on a course that could wind your father up in jail, your mother in an insane asylum and your fiance dead. Do you really want the two families sharing a buffet that provides potentially lethal weapons such as crab claws or leg of lamb?
Why not pare that reception down to Vanilla Wafers and punch? There's less potential for violence, the guests will leave earlier, and you can start consummating sooner.
Consummation
Consummation is, frankly, what getting married is all about. Sure, you can write your own vows and throw your garter belt to distract people, but everybody knows what you will be doing as soon as you lock the deadbolt at the Holiday Inn. It's all anybody thinks about amid the pomp and ceremony of your wedding--how you and the groom will look getting it on. But try not to think about this as you walk down the isle.
Many people are too drunk on their wedding night to consummate their holy wedlock. I personally climbed into bed at the mobile home with shampoo lather in my hair. Sonny and I had driven over 300 miles in an un-air-conditioned VW, it was 100 degrees, and I had been drinking since 10:00am. When I realized my mistake--the shampoo part, not the marriage--I got back in the shower to rinse my hair, then I passed out on the bathroom floor.
For Most Couples, the Wedding Night is a Disaster Due to Inexperience, Fear and Disgust
It is normal to feel revulsion on your wedding night. That's why it's a good idea to consummate your union several hundred times before you get married. In this way, you'll grow accustomed to this awkward, humiliating and bizarre act before your wedding night.
The Reluctant Bride
No matter what social class you come from, some things are universal, and one of these is sex. Your husband expects you to do it a lot and only with him, which can be quite tedious.
One solution is to honeymoon where there are lots of things to do, for example, Six Flags, so you won't have to "you-know-what" ten times a day. Stay in a crowd and avoid the creepy, beseeching look in the bridegroom's eyes. There is safety in numbers.
It is common to feel shy on your wedding night. Especially if you have never seen a man in his underwear. Study the underwear ads in the paper. This will give you a vague idea of "what's in store". But, truthfully, nothing can really prepare you for the shock.
Rural brides are fortunate because they often have had the opportunity to observe animals. Even if you are a city girl, maybe you have seen dogs or cats stuck together. Soon your bridegroom be acting just like them and you may be tempted to squirt him with a water hose. But there won't be one at the Radison. So maybe you should buy a stun gun.
Special Circumstances
Perhaps you are a bride in unusual circumstances. Maybe you are marrying a prisoner or you're considerably older than the groom. Perhaps you're not marrying a man at all but are exchanging vows with a life-size department store mannequin.
The Gay Divorcee
If the term "used goods" describes to you, i.e., you're divorced, here are a few tips:
Keep yourself as fresh as a daisy with a good scrubbing at least once a day
Try to act shocked when the groom takes off his Sansabelts (sp?)
Assure him that you've never actually slept with a man because all your other husbands were pigs
There is Still Time to Back Out!
Any day now you will go from being plain old Peggy Smith to being Goddess of the House. You'll be expected to sing "Climb Every Mountain" while stirring the beans, then act like a whore a hour later in bed. Your husband, on the other hand, gets to act like a juvenile delinquent all the time. It's as bad as living in Afghanistan and your degree in Civil Engineering won't do you a lick of good.
Or maybe you're a lucky bride who had hooked up with a guy who likes to tango, who respects you for your mind, and who knows what a G spot is.
Nah!