BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association says women with breast implants tend to be thin, dye their hair, and have more sex partners. Could researchers be jealous?

Linda S. Cook and other researchers report that, while most women have had four or fewer sex partners, women with implants have as many as fourteen.

"Is it my fault if flat-chested women can't get a date?" said my friend Brandi who has been wearing a D-cup for the past ten years.

A former star of cheap sexploitation films, Brandi has made a comfortable living off her implants. Though officially retired from the porn industry, Brandi still makes personal appearances at hardware store openings where she hands out samples of Strong Man Screws.

"Sure, I dye my hair," she said on her coffee break. "I hate to think what those researchers look like. All this proves is women without implants don't give a rat's ass about their looks."

Strong words from a gal everybody used to call the Milk Dud.

Lucky for me, the women in my family are blessed with gigantic, naturally-occurring fat storage sites. And I won't say it didn't contribute to my dating success. If it wasn't for my husband Sonny, I probably would have had four hundred sex partners by now.

Anyway Brandi thinks Cook's report is sour grapes.

"Figures can be manipulated to prove anything," said Arnie Zinfrang of the Pssst Institute. "We can massage the data. We almost always prove our hypothesis."

Zinfrang's study of breasts is a case in point. Comparing dancers from New Jersey Nights to a group of women from his mother's Bible study, Zinfrang discovered the chesty women more often fit the swinging playgirl paradigm.

"Frankly, I was looking for sex kitten types and I found them."

Zinfrang, a small man, wondered whether his theories extended to the masculine sex as well. In 1996 he conducted a study of men who had undergone penile enlargement. Enhanced subjects were found to smoke cigars, eat lots of corny dogs, and play with guns.

"They had some really nasty habits. It would be hard to blame their health problems on silicone," Zinfrang said.

Meanwhile, Brandi missed the big race out at the speedway after her water skiing accident. She recently joined a class action suit against implant manufacturers.

"It's hard to get in the party spirit once you've sprung a leak," she lamented.

Arnie Zinfrang's latest study compares Dow executives with women whose implants are leaking.

Women like Brandi, who dreads going under the knife again, are just hanging around the house watching tv.

But Dow execs, who are letting subsidiary company Dow Corning take the heat, can still party hardy. The main threat to their health is back pain from carrying around all that money.