BEAUTY SHOP TALK

by

Vicki Charmaine Bunch

Testosterone is in the news again. A recent study reveals that men with balding crowns are more likely to suffer a heart attack than guys with hair. It turns out the thing that makes men bang each other's heads against the wall is the same thing that makes them bald-headed. It's also the thing that can give them a heart-attack. Just another risk factor to add to the pork rinds, demolition derbies and bungee jumping that make my husband's life a game of Russian roulette.

It must have taken scientists a long time to figure out the connection between testosterone, baldness and heart attacks. Most bald, testosterone-charged guys get killed in knife fights before they are old enough to have a heart attack. Either that or they drown wrestling an alligator.

I realized my husband Sonny was an especially manly man when I found out he has to shave three times a day to keep from looking like a werewolf. Back then he was a tough guy, a punk, a rotten egg who would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat--the sort of guy who picks fights in the snack bar line at the drive-in movie and then comes running to mama with mustard on his face.

Of course, he had a healthy head of hair in those days--which he proudly displayed in the style of musical groups like the Turtles. He was always in trouble with the dean of boys because his hair touched the collar of his shirt. But Sonny was a rebel and he took his licks rather than give in to authority. Finally, he was sent to reform school for going to class without any socks.

Life in reform school was no picnic. Sonny picked up the bad habits and slang expressions of the young hoods in the big house. Pretty soon he could cheat a second grader out of his milk money without batting an eye. Whatever thread of decency he used to have, whatever drop of humanity had made him cute and lovable, was completely wiped out by his crash course in juvenile delinquency.

He came home with a big hula dancer tattoo and a bunch of scars from switchblades and dental implements. He was like the tomcat you should have gotten neutered but now it's too late and you can't let him in the house because he will ruin the sofa.

The years haven't changed him. Sonny knows his hair is falling out but that doesn't deter him from his headlong pursuit of trouble. There's nothing more pathetic than the sight of a grown man, bald and stooped, picking a fight with a couple of high school linebackers on the parking lot of the local pizza hangout. I could have him arrested for his own good but what's the use? He'll do the same thing again as soon as he bonds out of jail.

At least Sonny's been around long enough to produce offspring. His hormones have done their job so I guess it's no big deal if he goes around fighting guys who make fun of his baldness. He yells back something like "I have a lot of hair, if you count my back." Sometimes his tormentors get scared and run away but usually they just beat him up.

Maybe I should have married a man without so much testosterone. At least he wouldn't be bald.