BEAUTY SHOP TALK
by
Vicki Charmaine Bunch
And now for the story you've all been eagerly awaiting--the results of the Beauty Shop Talk survey. Last month I asked readers to fill out a questionnaire about Beauty Shop Talk products they would buy if they had the chance. I got the idea from Mattel's new Harley Barbie #3.
It took me at least ten minutes to go through the millions of responses. Results indicate that at least twelve people would pay $5 for a Mud Wrestling Vicki Charmaine Bunch doll made out of a potato. You can buy a whole bag of potatoes for $1.89, so it looks like a profit-making deal.
The most-requested Beauty Shop Talk doll, besides yours truly, was My Husband, Sonny. Someone even said he would like to purchase Sonny's weathered London flag bikini underwear. One respondent said he would be willing to pay $269.99 for a My Best Friend, Brandi doll made of pipe cleaners. Another favored a Sheriff William David doll made of Spam. Several of you suggested we add our dogs to the set and one fan asked for a "Vicki Charmaine Dragging Sonny by the Hair" doll.
Nearly everyone seems to want accessories from Krystal's XXX--there were some specific requests I'm too bashful to print. Other suggestions included hair pomade, chewing tobacco, backpacks, Old Red bottle openers, t-shirts, and a Beauty Shop Talk utility belt. A reader named Sister Juanita Howdy proposed green Astroturf clutch purses, orange velour bandanas and Vicki Charmaine's Pineapple Cocktail-shaped Desert Inn Motel. This is my favorite product concept. Sister Juanita said she would pay 100 Singaporean dollars for a 5 Star Space Cadet Vicki Charmaine doll with rasta dreadlocks.
The most popular hairstyle for the Vicki Charmaine doll was the flip, followed by hair rollers and the beehive. Someone suggested that the doll come bald-headed with an assortment of wigs including a pink beehive, debutante do, and hair like a Democrat politician's wife.
Which special-edition Vicki Charmaine dolls would you buy? Many of you would opt for Mud Wrestling Vicki Charmaine, Beauty Queen Vicki Charmaine, and Vicki Charmaine of Many Lands. Biker Babe Vicki Charmaine, Topless Dancer Vicki Charmaine and Vicki Charmaine as Mrs. Robinson and with a hair-do like Dolly in Fried Green Tomatoes were also nominated.
You said you would jump at the chance to buy Beauty Shop Talk temporary tattoos, wallpaper, pajamas and beef jerky. That could add up to some serious bucks for my liposuction fund. A few penny pinchers would only fork over $5, but a couple of people said they would pay $15.
I asked, "Would you be willing to buy a Beauty Shop Talk doll if it was made out of: an old sock? a potato? pipe cleaners? Spam?" Spam and potatoes were, by far, the preferred components, although one fan said, "None of the above. I need the real deal." Used auto parts, old panty hose and hair nets were recommended. Sister Juanita piped up with egg cartons and old porridge glue sticks.
There was overwhelming demand for the Breakaway 40 oz. Malt Liquor Beer Brawl Kit, Vicki Charmaine's One Ton Dodge Ram Dually, and the Axel VFW Hall. A Steven Spielberg-type suggested special effect tornado action at the Axel trailer park.
No toy companies have contacted me yet so it looks like the whole Bunch clan will have to stay up nights to get all this stuff made in time for Christmas.