Everybody in Axel is talking about "American Beauty," the new movie where Kevin Spacey gets a crush on his daughter's girlfriend and winds up working at a hamburger joint.

Every middle-aged man dreams of having a dalliance with a girl one-third his age. I don't know which is worse--to be the wife of such an idiot or the daughter.

When I was sixteen my father had an affair with our high school mascot. I'll never know what she saw in him. With graying porkchop sideburns and thick black glasses, he was certainly no Engelbert Humperdink. Sure, he was a professional wrestler and he performed on weekends as Liverace, a Liberace look-alike. But his polyester leisure suits were those of a middle-aged man. Not even the medallion nestled in the fur of his sagging chest could disguise the fact that Daddy was as old as Elvis.

I have terrible memories of my father's fling. The way he came to pep rallies disguised as a clown. The way he hid under the bleachers but everyone knew. The way he carved Lover Boy + Nancy in the gym door. I vowed to Sonny on our wedding night that if he ever pulled such a stunt he wouldn't live to tell about it. I was haunted by dreams of my husband in the arms of a great big animal--a Baylor bear, a TCU horned frog, a San Benito ant. Sometimes I woke up screaming. I constantly watched Sonny's reaction when we were at theme parks. I was a nervous wreck.

That's before I met Terence, my daughter Destinee's lab partner in biology. I'll never forget the night he bought a pickle from me at the football game. It was love at first sight. Red headed, lanky and brainy, he inspired me to drag out my old notebooks and bone up on single celled organisms.

Now I couldn't care less what Sonny does.

There's a big difference between a man lusting after a young bimbo and my affection for Terence. For one thing, I have always been interested in slime mould. Besides that, the feeling is mutual. Terence absolutely raved about my model of a fungus. And, unlike my so-called loving family, he never criticizes my singing.

Here is the list of everything that's wonderful about Terence: chess whiz, good at math, spikey hair and collects Power Ranger stuff. We complement each other because I don't do those things and he doesn't play bingo or watch "Dukes of Hazard."

No matter how much I worship the ground Terence walks on, I will never embarrass my children like my father did me. When I went to the Quiz Kid competition to yell for Terence and Destinee, the moderator only had to shush me twice. I can't help it--when you know the answer, it's hard to keep from blurting it out. I kissed my lucky Smurf when I found out we were advancing to the finals.

I may never come down off cloud 9.

To fall in love at my age gives you a new lease on life. Now I stop at red lights. I even started washing between my toes again. I bought cargo pants and a Backstreet Boys t-shirt. I'm looking for a funky beanie and a cool backpack. Anybody seen one with the Power Rangers?